Ok, so you’ve decided that you’re going to make that leap of faith and ask your partner to work on the relationship with you. If you’re considering, but may not want to ask because you’re thinking,”Why would they want to repair the relationship with me when I hurt them so much?” Then read this blog post before you go on.
First Understand Their Pain
If you’ve decided you want to work on the relationship, but are having trouble asking how, you need to understand what your partner is going through. Here’s what I tell my clients: when there’s been infidelity, it’s as if a bomb has gone off for your partner.
There’s real damage to them - I call it a “relational trauma.” We’re built for connection, so when that connection is severed - when the person we trust most betrays us, it can feel physical. Many of my clients report physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, tightness in various parts of their bodies, and “holes in their chest.”
Additionally, there’s a real disorientation — affairs are often a surprise, and so your hurt partner may not understand what created the vulnerability in your relationship. If they don’t understand the narrative that led up to that vulnerability, they may be faced with looking around every corner for threat. The threat for them is random, so looking around every corner makes sense.
So now your partner is hurt, hyper-vigilant, and probably less predictable in their attitude towards you. You may get a feeling sometimes they want to give you a bear hug and not let go. 15 minutes later, you may get a feeling that they absolutely hate you. Tough, huh? Imagine what it’s like to be them.
Now I Know. What Do I Do With That?
I’m going to give you a list of things to include, things to avoid, then an example of a good invitation.
Here are some elements to a good invitation:
Showing you have been thinking about what it might be for them
Asking without attacking
Hat in Hand (Humility)
Asking for help to understand the other person.
Wanting to fight for the relationship, but not necessarily knowing how.
Saying “I’m Sorry”
Communicate positive intent.
Pitfalls To Avoid:
Attaching blame to the invitation.
“Well, I’m sorry I cheated on you. But you’ve been so difficult to live with the past 3 years. . .”
Demonstrating reluctance to accept responsiblity.
“I’m sorry. . . now can we just get over this?”
Continuing to “Find The Bad Guy” even in the invitation.
Look, I want to work on the relationship. But you can’t even apologize for all that stuff you said last week!
One Good Example:
Here’s one way to invite the other person. This is just an example. Tailor it to your situation.
“I really hurt you with the affair (Citing specifics, accepting responsibility), and I’m really sorry (apologizing). There’s no excuse (not blaming, not justifying). I want to be able to understand you more (asking without attacking, positive intent) and I just have a hard time doing a good job with that (humility). Will you do couples counseling with me so I can get a better understanding of you? (Asking for help, wanting to fight, but not knowing how)I want to do better (positive intent).
I hope this has helped turn the gears a little bit in helping you understand how to invite your spouse or partner to work on your relationship after (your) infidelity. It’s really hard to do, but a necessary step in making lasting change for yourselves. It is really beneficial, if you are considering repair, to look at this other article I wrote about why your spouse or partner might want to work on your relationship despite your infidelity.
It is rare that infidelity gets healed without a little bit of help. If you want to know more of my thoughts on affair recovery, see my page on affair recovery. If you’re in Minnesota and in need of help around infidelity, contact me by phone: 612.230.7171, email me from my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me. I’m a couples counselor that specializes in helping couples talk about the hardest emotions that are hijacking their relationships.
Take Good Care.