If your partner was involved in an affair, you’re probably feeling hurt, confused, anxious, and incredibly sad. On top of that, you may even feel self-conscious about staying in the relationship. What does that say about you? Does this mean you’re a doormat? Two pieces of news - it does not necessarily mean you’re a doormat and you’re not alone.
Over 50% of couples decide to stay together after an affair. There are a lot of reasons people decide to stay together. You may still love your spouse. The life you’ve built together has meaning for you. Divorce is complicated. Children get impacted even in the most amicable divorces. The Infidelity itself may not be that important to you - it may be the deception, or the broken trust. And just because life was hard when you were together, doesn’t mean it simply gets easier after divorce.
All of the pros to staying together may make it hard to see throwing out your relationship despite all the “minuses.” So what are you to do? I’ll be honest, as a couples therapist, it’s really hard to do a “self repair.” It’s kind of like doing dental surgery on yourself. I’ve seen it done on reality shows, but that doesn’t mean I recommend it.
There’s no perspective when you’re the one needing relief and the one that’s supposed to perform the reparative procedure. Also, the pain that you feel also impedes your ability to maintain the impartiality needed to help guide the process. I recommend looking for a therapist you can trust who uses EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) for Couples and has specific procedures to address infidelity. (There are other therapies that use the Acronym EFT -make sure it’s the one for couples) Infidelity is not like other chronic, daily problems like who does the laundry. Infidelity is a transgression that specifically targets the bond of the relationship. It’s this bond that couples use to communicate with each other and repair. Now that the damage is done to that bond itself, the therapist has to be specific in how the damage gets addressed.
Why a 3rd Party Is Helpful
You’re likely to be experiencing a LOT of pain that can’t necessarily be relieved by your spouse, despite you wanting help from them. It’s easy to take that personally. But in calmer moments ask yourself if you think if your partner understands that they hurt you. If you see that they feel some sense of guilt, the anger they get from you may not be helpful for repair. Even if they earned the dragon breath you want to give them, it may keep them far enough away that you can’t hear the apology.
In these cases, a therapist can meet you in your anger and help your spouse understand what’s behind it. Wait… isn’t anger an emotion? Isn’t it good to be in touch with it? Yes, but it’s an emotion that’s designed to keep people away. It keeps you safe when you’re feeling hurt or afraid. But while it pushes your spouse away, it may be hurting your relationship - your ability to come together.
That’s why a good couples therapist will ask what’s behind your anger. Is it pain? Is it anguish? Is it loneliness? Is it mourning the loss of the relationship you thought you had? All of that is understandable. A good therapist will help you say these things to your spouse in a way that they can understand. Without revealing these more vulnerable truths, both of you can stay in anger, resentment, and defensiveness. In the meantime, your spouse and your relationship suffers.
An Alternate Ending
If you’re still feeling self-conscious that you’re wanting to repair the relationship despite your spouse’s betrayal, let’s do a thought exercise. Close your eyes and imagine if they could apologize to you with no excuses. That they’re taking responsibility for their specific actions and how it deeply impacted you. Imagine that instead of: “I’m sorry if you felt sad that I had that thing with my co-worker,” It turns into “I’m sorry that I hurt you by cheating on you. I feel horrible that I caused you so much pain.”
Would you still feel self conscious that you took the step to repair the relationship, or would that be insignificant now that you are being seen and heard?
A good couples therapist will help you talk about the pain your spouse caused you, help your spouse hear you, and help them more effectively apologize. If you need someone to help you recover from an affair, I recommend talking to an Emotionally Focused Therapy - trained therapist who has specific steps to address affairs. I’ve found EFT interventions helpful to reduce the underlying emotional processes that hijack relationships. If you want to find out more about how I think about affair recovery, check out my affair recovery page.
If you’re near the Edina in the Twin Cities area, you can reach out to me via phone: 612.230.7171, send me an email through my contact form, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call with me. I look forward to talking with you.
Take good care.