Spoiler alert: There is no set time for defining a relationship. The timing of such a moment can vary widely from couple to couple — depending on multiple factors.

For that matter, definition time can re-emerge over and over within the same relationship. Therefore, it’s wise to not go looking for hard and fast “rules.” All that said, there are some common signs and some general advice worth keeping in mind. Let’s explore a few of these elements.

For the purposes of this post, let’s assume you’re in a relatively new relationship and you haven’t yet had “the” conversation.

5 Signs That It May Be Time to Define the Relationship

1. You Spend a Whole Lot of Time Together

It can sneak up on you, but eventually, you come to realize that you’re seeing this person way more than anyone else. And it’s quality time. If the occasion date has turned into twenty texts a day, you might want to talk about this momentum.

2. You Seem to Have Very Different Perspectives on Your Relationship

You may see this as “casual.” She may be calling you her “boyfriend” when bragging to her friends. Perhaps one of you is trying to make more plans while the other is creating some distance. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be in dating limbo. Get some clarity ASAP.

3. People Assume You’re in an Exclusive Relationship

You’re getting invited to weddings as a couple. The server at your favorite restaurant calls you his “favorite couple.” It seems everyone else has a clearer perspective on your relationship than you do.

How do you describe what you’ve got going on? Have you ever tried? If not, it sounds like a good time to do so.

4. They Are Your Go-To Person

You tell them everything. You tell them everything long before you even think of telling someone else. This is not a series of hook-ups or fun dates. You’re making a deep connection and it warrants your full attention.

5. You’re Not Interested in Anyone Else

Your dating apps have been deleted. You don’t find yourself casually flirting. In fact, you’re not even fantasizing about anyone else! This is a strong sign that you let them know and find out if they feel the same way.

How to Approach the Relationship-Defining Discussion

This conversation is important. It requires some preparation. So, give it the respect it deserves by:

• Taking stock — alone — in what you want to say and how you truly feel.

• Consider how they may react — but don’t go overboard trying to predict it. Just be ready for a serious and nuanced discussion.

• Be aware of the importance of timing and wording. Don’t just drop a “we need to talk.” Best of all, have the pre-conversation in person.

Once the Relationship-Defining Discussion Starts:

• Start with flexible questions that don’t demand a “yes” or “no”

• Use “I” statements

• Practice your

• Most importantly, be direct and specific

Don’t put pressure on yourselves as a couple to have all the answers right now. As mentioned above, this won’t be a onetime conversation if you’re heading into a committed relationship.

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

There is no user manual for relationships or dating limbo. But there are experts out there who can help make this process run smoothly. A couples counselor is positioned to assist whenever you feel the need to define what you’re at as a couple.

You can attend sessions together. You can try individual therapy. Either way, I know firsthand how useful it can be to get some professional guidance. Let’s connect and talk about the possibilities. If you want to know more about how I think about couples, visit my Couples and Marriage Counseling Page. I am physically located in Edina and am seeing vaccinated clients in-person. Call me at 612-230-7171, email me here, or click on the button below to schedule an appointment.