It’s quite ironic when our primary relationship ends up being something we take for granted. This can happen when we don’t show up — for the relationship and ourselves. We’re led to believe that the goal is to find someone with whom you can just relax. This is partially true. But, even when things feel great, a healthy romantic relationship requires steady work. 

That steady work can be summed up as “participation.” You may have heard about the importance of listening and not fixing things. But here’s another, equally difficult thing to do: stand up to your partner with love. This means that when things aren’t right for you, you say something. It means when you want to order Thai food and not pizza, you say it. It means when you feel there’s been unfairness and you need something different, you say it. While remembering that this is a person you love.

Being Present In Your Relationship

Being present in any situation is a challenge. We live in a society that encourages distraction. Devices, notifications, short-attention spans, and more — all of it take us out of the present moment. Meanwhile, your relationship needs your presence. Here are a few tips to recapture the moment:

• When a disagreement or argument occurs, try to really listen to your partner with genuine curiosity. Avoid letting your mind wander to past conflicts. Allow yourself to see this as an opportunity to learn something — in general, and about your spouse.

• Conversely, if there’s a disagreement, your spouse may need to understand something about you. Telling your spouse how something makes you feel, whether it’s an action they took or something unrelated to your relationship isn’t optional. It’s the only way your spouse or partner is going to know you. The only way they get to be in relationship with you is if you show up in your opinions, hurts, joys, and needs.

• Don’t assume that you and your partner are on some kind of telepathic wavelength. Sure, you can sometimes finish each other’s sentences but that doesn’t mean always get what they mean. When in a conversation, make sure you understand. Ask questions. Surrender your full attention. 

• Be vulnerable and encourage vulnerability. Share your feelings and ask questions that will inspire your partner to do the same.

• Put aside your needs. This is a temporary gesture that empowers you to truly hear what’s being and notice what is happening. 

• Put aside your devices. It’s fun to send romantic, sexy texts throughout the day. But when you are together, do not allow your phone to lure your mind away from being present. 

How to Show Up For Yourself In Your Relationship

Running parallel to your efforts to be present and giving, you must make sure you’re looking out for yourself, too. Romantic love is founded on a delicate balance. Without contemplation and awareness, you can slide into a place where you surrender some of yourself in the hope of keeping your partner happy.

Here are a few red flags to watch for:

• You rarely, if ever, say no

• Your partner is in charge and does not relinquish this control

• You always prioritize your partner’s needs above your own

• When conflict arises, you back down 

• Your opinions are identical to those of your partner

• You can’t talk about how they’ve hurt you

The above realities do not always transpire in an obvious or malicious way. Over time, you and your partner can slip into an unhealthy dynamic. At some point, you may realize that you mostly only show up for them in your relationship.

How to Shift This Dynamic

Set boundaries. This is the first and most critical step. Take some alone time to process what you need from your partner. Then, using clear and direct communication, express these boundaries to them. Once you have set a boundary, you must enforce it if necessary.

Possible Boundaries

• You will have your own independent social circle and social life

• Your opinions and ideas are valid and must be respected — even when they differ from those of your partner

• Yelling, insults and abusive language are unacceptable

• Just as importantly, passive aggression or the silent treatment is unacceptable

• When there is a disagreement, the resolution begins with direct and respectful communication

But it’s Not Just Boundaries

All of these things that I mentioned are important. Sometimes an argument makes you shut down, but sometimes it’s actually you. Sometimes there’s something you want to say but some other part of you tells you it’s not worth it. Then maybe you hold it inside. Maybe you can’t stand holding it in, and express your dissatisfaction by picking a fight some other way. Maybe you go “passive aggressive” and don’t do something you’ve committed to, but are shielded by ambiguity.

Reframe conflict. You’re not jumping into conflict. You’re standing up to your spouse or partner with love. And that’s the way you can love them most. If you don’t stand for the real you, they’re only getting a cheap copy of you.

Making the above discoveries and changes can feel daunting. If you feel you need to show up for yourself in your relationship but don’t know where to start, let’s connect and talk soon. If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.