When couples come to me and each person wants me to adjudicate whether the other one is unreasonable, I typically tell them that under most circumstances, it really doesn’t matter whether you have a certain paint color in the newly remodeled bathroom. What matters is that both of you can live with the choices you jointly make. This changes the nature of the problem from “my husband’s taste in color is terrible and I should be choosing” to “What can we both live with?”

I often use the metaphor of a car representing you and your partner’s relationship. It’s holding both of you while you attempt to reach a single destination. Each of you can have a different need. You can have preferences for different music. You can want the AC on, while the other person wants the windows down. Whatever needs each person needs, it will affect both, and so both needs must be taken into account. If you want everything to be the way you want it, you can have that. But you’ll likely be driving alone. Is that what you want?

Where this comes from

People understand their own needs because they grow up in their bodies and are familiar with those needs first, but it's harder to teach people how to do something in concert with their spouse. There is a level of coordination and compromise that needs to exist so that both people are happy enough in that car that they remain in it, despite having nothing be exactly what they want.

A media angle

In popular media, it's common for the hero to win it all. The “win” in movies is that the hero overcomes a hateful boss, or conniving neighbor, or a dreadful disease. Then after the “win,” they return to their fulfilling life filled with perfect friends, cars, homes, and jobs. We know that's not true, but part of us secretly wishes we can have it all anyway. Popular media knows this and so stays with the forumula of the “win”.

The Lone Ranger

Another myth is deeply rooted in American culture. That myth is of a person who does not complain, seems to have virtually no needs and does not depend on anyone else. This is the mythos of the Lone Ranger. This is an incredibly damaging prototype because it devalues connection with others. It tells us we don’t need to ask for what we need. In fact, it tells us that we are stronger when we don’t.

The result of believing this myth is that your relationships become disrupted. people are trained not to ask for what they need and as a result, find themselves more lonely less connected and feel judged and shamed for having needs that everyone has.

The Illusion Is Not Useful

When you compare yourself to caricatures, no good will come of it. Why be more like a character that has “lone” in the name? Do you think they’ll guide you to a better relationship? Why listen to movies that tell you that you can “win” everything in your relationship when it sets you up for disappointment? Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, talks about couples having effective dependence.

Effective dependence is a term that is very different from some other terms like “interdependence” or synergy. It admits that the vulnerability needed in intimate relationships effectively means that you are dependent on that person. Imagine for a moment that. your spouse just disappeared in a puff of smoke. Wouldn’t you be devastated? With that devastation, wouldn’t we simply admit to being dependent on them?

With Dependence Comes Connection

When we talk about dependence, there is a vulnerability that we may not like. Remember when I said “what if your partner disappeared in a puff of smoke?” You may even feel the loss that scenario paints. That vulnerability is exactly what we avoid acknowledging when we refuse to use that language. But with vulnerability comes real connection.

The Final Tradeoff

But with real connection comes compromise. Let’s go back to that car metaphor. You’re in the car together, agreeing on a direction. Agreeing to be vulnerable enough to risk going 60 mph in a tin can. You could get in an accident together. But you’ll arrive together and have an opportunity for connection. But not if you complain so hard about the temperature that you crank the heat on a summer day and effectively push the other person out. You won’t arrive if you insist on pumping Metallica on “11” and refuse to talk to your partner. You can have all of that, but it won’t come with a partner.

If you’re needing a trained and experienced therapist to help you sort out a really stuck spot in your relationship and are in the Minneapolis area, I can help. If you are looking for video visits, that is an option if you are anywhere in Minnesota. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.