In the close-knit journey of marriage, complaints can either help us grow closer or push us apart. When one partner complains about something, it’s super common to want to hit back with a complaint of your own. However, this kind of reaction can really mess with the health of your relationship. Let’s dive into why firing back with your own complaints when your spouse raises an issue can hurt your bond, come off as defensive, make the conversation way more complicated, and often leave the original problem hanging.

Getting Defensive

Picture this: your partner calls you out for being too wrapped up in work and not spending enough quality time together. Your first instinct might be to throw back something they’re not doing right, like their chaotic scheduling. This knee-jerk defensive move is all about protecting our pride and sidestepping criticism. But in marriage, it acts like a wall, blocking real understanding and empathy.

Getting defensive is basically like saying, “I’m not the only one messing up,” which can make your partner feel ignored and belittled. This defensiveness can quickly turn a small complaint into a big argument, with the initial issue getting lost in the noise.

Mixing Up the Message

When we meet complaints with counter-complaints, the conversation turns into a war zone of issues instead of a path to sorting things out. This just confuses everything, making it hard to figure out what the real problem is. Instead of tackling one thing at a time, both partners end up dealing with a bunch of complaints, each trying to get their own issues addressed first.

This mess doesn’t just distract from the original problem but also makes finding a solution way harder. The talk gets tangled in finger-pointing, leaving both partners feeling more upset and misunderstood. Trying to fix several things at once can lead to frustration, tiredness, and a feeling of getting nowhere, often meaning that none of the complaints get properly sorted out.

Leaving Things Unresolved

The biggest danger of hitting back with complaints is that the first issue often gets dropped. When the conversation gets overrun with back-and-forth grievances, the initial complaint is either pushed aside or forgotten. This neglect can lead to bitterness, as the partner who first spoke up feels their concerns are being overlooked or deemed less critical.

Over time, these unresolved issues can pile up, turning into deep-seated resentment that poisons the relationship. This toxic build-up undermines the trust, respect, and mutual understanding essential for a healthy partnership.

I wrote a post a while ago on using a modified form of Terry Real’s feedback wheel to give feedback without fighting.

Moving Forward

So, how can couples avoid falling into the tit-for-tat trap and instead deal with complaints constructively? The secret is to build a relationship where open communication and emotional smarts are front and center.

1. Listen Up: When your partner has a complaint, try not to cut them off or defend yourself right away. Instead, listen carefully and try to get where they’re coming from. As a rule of thumb, I tell clients to keep listening and acknowledging until you can finally apologize for your part in the conflict. If you haven’t gotten there yet, you’re likely not done!

2. Show You Get It: Before jumping in with your side, acknowledge their feelings and show you understand. This doesn’t mean you agree with the complaint, but it shows you respect their feelings and are open to hearing their point of view.

3. One Thing at a Time: Keep the chat focused on the issue at hand. If you’ve got your own complaints, jot them down and agree to talk about them later. This way, the conversation stays on track, and each problem gets the attention it needs. Your complaints as well as your spouse’s deserve the light of day. If you don’t keep the separate, neither person gets to resolve their hurts. I wrote a post on what to do if you AND your partner are feeling hurt at the same time.

4. Work Together on Solutions: Focus on how you can fix things together rather than who’s right or wrong. Solving problems together not only strengthens your connection but also builds a sense of teamwork.

While it’s tempting to counter-complain when faced with criticism, such behavior can harm your relationship. By keeping the defensive reactions in check, addressing one issue at a time, and working together to find solutions, couples can navigate through their complaints more effectively, leading to a stronger and more supportive relationship.

If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.