Fear and insecurity can really throw a wrench into the delicate gears of talking about sex with your spouse. These talks need openness and trust, but when fear and insecurity show up, they can slam the brakes on meaningful connection and understanding. One of the repeating themes is that your preferences for sex can directly speak to how you feel about yourself instead of your actions. If you feel badly about your decisions or desires, you can quickly feel badly about yourself.

How Fear Messes Things Up

Fear in these chats often comes from worrying about being judged or not living up to your partner's expectations. This can lead to holding back feelings, desires, or concerns, making the conversation shallow or nonexistent. Fear of vulnerability means people might skirt around real issues, using humor or changing the subject to avoid getting too deep.

Also, there's the fear of hurting the other person's feelings. If someone wants to shake things up in their sex life but is scared it'll upset their partner, they might just keep quiet. This avoidance can cause a pile-up of unspoken frustrations and resentment.

Here’s an element I’ll come back to again and again in conversations around sex: Not enough sex, too much sex, too little sex, wanting sex to be different, wanting sex to be the same all are more personal than your average difficult conversation because it can quickly turn into “I’m not enough.” It can quickly change from "my partner wants more sex" to "I'm not being a good spouse." All of this internal disparagement about who you are can create resentment, fights, hard shut-downs and disconnection.

Insecurity's Sticky Wicket

Insecurity can come from all over – past experiences, societal pressures, body image issues, or worries about performance. Feeling insecure can make someone hesitant to talk openly about sexual intimacy, fearing exposure or not meeting some imagined standard.

Insecurity can twist communication too. If one partner brings up a desire for change, the insecure one might take it as a hit on their performance or attractiveness, leading to defensiveness, conversation shutdown, or arguments instead of understanding and constructive chat.

Tackling Fear and Insecurity

Overcoming these emotional hurdles needs a few strategic moves:

1. Crafting a Safe Zone: Make sure there’s a comfy and secure setting for these chats, where both can share freely without fear of judgment. This means finding the right time and place, away from daily distractions. Communicating when those safe times are is a key piece to keeping these conversations from boiling over. I have a blog post on feedback without fighting and ways I help couples do a pause, then agree on a time to resume the conversation.

2. Fostering Trust and Empathy: Trust is key to beating fear and insecurity. Both partners need to feel they can be vulnerable without getting hurt. Regular, open, and honest communication can help build this trust.

3. Embracing Self-awareness and Kindness: Understanding where your fear and insecurity come from can lessen their grip. Remembering that these feelings are common and often based on past experiences or external pressures can help. Being kind to yourself, acknowledging your value, and practicing self-acceptance can counteract these negative vibes. One way you can communicate difficult things without getting critical is by using the phrase “the story in my head” to own how things are playing out in your head. This allows you to own that it’s a thought you came up with, but also lets your partner in on the fact that it’s weighing on you too.

4. Learning and Experimenting Together: Sometimes, not knowing enough can feed fear and insecurity. Learning about sexual health, intimacy forms, and communication skills can boost confidence. Exploring these areas together can also deepen mutual understanding and connection.

5. Getting Professional Insights: If fear and insecurity are too overwhelming, it might be time to get some expert advice. Therapists or counselors with a focus on sexual health or relationships can offer support, improve communication skills, and address underlying issues.

Fear and insecurity can put a real damper on discussing sexual intimacy with your spouse. But by acknowledging and tackling these emotions, couples can pave the way for more open, honest, and satisfying conversations about their intimate lives. This not only betters their sexual relationship but also strengthens their bond emotionally and mentally.

If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.