When we speak of being "triggered," we're referring to those moments when something in our present environment closely resembles an aspect of our past that once led us into a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These triggers can be anything from a tone of voice, a particular phrase, a sound, or even a smell that catapults us back to a moment of intense emotional response. Recognizing these triggers and learning how to self-calm is essential, not just for our emotional well-being, but also to ensure that we can engage in productive conversations that address our hurts or fears without inadvertently triggering defensiveness in others. This guide provides several strategies to help you regain your calm and composure after being triggered.

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step in calming yourself is to recognize that you have been triggered. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Tell yourself that it's okay to feel upset, scared, or angry. By recognizing and labeling your emotions, you take the first step towards regaining control over them.

2. Practice Deep Breathing

Deep breathing is a simple yet effective technique to reduce stress and calm your nervous system. When triggered, our breathing often becomes shallow and rapid. By consciously taking slow, deep breaths, you signal your body to relax. Try the 4-7-8 technique: inhale deeply for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and exhale slowly for 8 seconds. Repeat this cycle four to five times, or until you feel more at ease.

3. Ground Yourself

Grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment, distancing yourself from the triggering memories or emotions. One popular method is the "5-4-3-2-1" grounding exercise. Identify and focus on:

• 5 things you can see around you

• 4 things you can touch

• 3 things you can hear

• 2 things you can smell

• 1 thing you can taste

This exercise helps to center your attention on the here and now, reducing the intensity of your emotional response.

4. Move Your Body

Physical activity can be an effective way to dissipate the energy associated with your fight or flight response. If you're feeling up to it, go for a walk, stretch, or do some gentle yoga. Movement can help release the tension in your body and produce endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.

5. Use Positive Self-Talk

The narrative we tell ourselves in moments of distress can either amplify our triggers or help us regain our equilibrium. Practice using positive self-talk to challenge and reframe negative thoughts. Instead of thinking, "I can't handle this," try telling yourself, "This feeling is temporary. I am safe, and I can manage my emotions."

6. Seek a Change of Scenery

Sometimes, physically removing yourself from the situation that triggered you can help. If possible, step outside, go to another room, or change your environment in some way. A change of scenery can sometimes provide a new perspective and help interrupt the cycle of escalating emotions.

7. Engage in Mindfulness or Meditation

Mindfulness and meditation are powerful tools for calming the mind and body. By focusing on your breath or engaging in a guided meditation, you can help soothe your nervous system and reduce the intensity of your emotional response. There are many free resources and apps available to help beginners get started.

8. Use Creative Outlets

Expressing yourself creatively can be a therapeutic way to process and release the emotions triggered. Writing, drawing, painting, or playing music allows you to express those feelings that might be too difficult to articulate verbally.

9. Connect with Others

Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can provide relief and validation. Sometimes, just the act of vocalizing your thoughts and emotions can help diminish their power over you.

10. Develop a Self-Care Routine

Regularly practicing self-care can bolster your resilience against triggers. This might include ensuring you get enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, staying hydrated, and engaging in activities that you enjoy and find relaxing.

The Importance of Self-Calm for Productive Conversations

After experiencing a trigger, jumping straight into a conversation about the incident can often lead to further misunderstanding and conflict, especially if both parties are in a heightened emotional state. Taking the time to self-calm is crucial. It allows you to approach the situation with a clearer mind and a more balanced perspective. Once calm, you can articulate your feelings and needs without blame or judgment, fostering an environment where constructive and healing dialogue can occur.

Remember, the goal of self-calming is not to suppress or ignore your emotions but to manage them in a way that allows for healthy expression and resolution. By mastering these techniques, you not only protect your emotional well-being but also open the door to more meaningful and productive interactions with others.

If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.