The number one goal for couples that come in to see me is “better communication.” Yet, many people hesitate to express their true needs and desires, fearing vulnerability or rejection. However, asking for what you want is not only healthy but is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your partner. It not only enriches the emotional landscape of your relationship - it allows you to actually participate in your relationship. Without the knowledge of what you want, your partner is forced to guess or base their actions on a “simulation of what you want.”

I’m going to cover some reasons given by Sue Johnson and Terry Real on why asking for what you want is actually a good thing.

At the heart of any thriving relationship is emotional accessibility, a concept emphasized by Dr. Sue Johnson. She asserts that being open about your needs invites your partner into your emotional world, allowing for a deeper understanding of who you are. This openness is crucial for building a secure emotional attachment, which is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

When you express your desires, you make yourself more accessible. This doesn't just mean being physically present but also emotionally available. It involves sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings, which can be daunting but ultimately rewarding. By doing so, you encourage your partner to respond appropriately, meeting your needs and reinforcing the bond between you. This reciprocal exchange keeps both partners actively engaged in nurturing the relationship.

However, many people fall into the trap of believing that needing less makes them a better partner. Terry Real challenges this notion, arguing that "true intimacy is based on mutual respect and the ability to be honest about what you need." Suppressing your desires to avoid conflict or appear selfless can inadvertently create more tension. It leads to resentment and disconnection because unexpressed needs don't disappear; they linger and can fester into larger issues over time.

Real also warns against the pattern of "behaving and hoping," where individuals act in ways they think will get their needs met without directly communicating them. This approach often leads to misunderstandings, as your partner may not pick up on these indirect cues. By directly asking for what you want, you prevent these misunderstandings and break cycles of negative interaction. You're not leaving your partner to guess; you're providing them with clear information they can act upon.

Expressing your needs requires vulnerability, which can feel uncomfortable but is essential for deep connection. Dr. Johnson emphasizes that vulnerability allows partners to see each other authentically, fostering trust and closeness. When you risk sharing your deeper feelings, you invite your partner to connect with you on a more profound level. This openness signals trust, showing that you believe your partner will handle your feelings with care and respect.

Moreover, when you communicate your needs, you empower your partner. You're providing them with a clear understanding of how to support and love you effectively. This eliminates the guesswork and potential frustration that can arise when needs are left unspoken. Terry Real points out that "by being clear about what you need, you empower your partner to meet those needs, strengthening the partnership as a whole." It's a win-win situation where both partners feel more connected and satisfied.

Open communication about needs also cultivates mutual growth and satisfaction. Your willingness to share encourages your partner to do the same, fostering a reciprocal environment of openness. This exchange leads to increased satisfaction and happiness within the relationship, as both partners feel understood and valued. Dr. Johnson's research supports this, indicating that couples who openly express and respond to each other's needs report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

To start this process, begin with self-reflection. Understand what truly matters to you in the relationship. Once you're clear on your needs, choose the right moment to have a conversation with your partner—when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions. Communicate your desires clearly and kindly, using "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example, "I feel loved when we spend quality time together." This approach focuses on your feelings rather than accusing or criticizing your partner.

Invite dialogue by encouraging your partner to share their needs as well, making it a two-way conversation. This openness not only helps in meeting each other's needs but also strengthens the emotional intimacy between you.

Asking for what you want is a profound act of love and trust. It enhances emotional connection, prevents destructive patterns, builds trust through vulnerability, empowers your partner to love you better, and promotes mutual satisfaction and growth. Your needs are valid, and voicing them is not a burden but a gift to both your partner and your relationship.

So take that courageous step to express your needs. In doing so, you not only honor yourself but also enrich the bond you share with your partner, paving the way for a deeper, more satisfying relationship.

If you and your partner are seeking to improve your communication and deepen your connection, I'm here to help. Feel free to reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.

Together, we can work towards building the fulfilling relationship you both desire.