In the intricate dance of relationships, different individuals bring their unique rhythms and steps. As a couples therapist trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), I often talk to clients about Pursuers and Withdrawers (sometimes called distancers). Withdrawers in relationships exhibit a specific attachment style and face unique challenges and experiences. Today we’re going to look at some of the challenges and experiences unique to withdrawers in relationship.

What is a Withdrawer in Relationships?

The concept of a withdrawer in relationships stems from attachment theory, which categorizes patterns of how people seek and respond to closeness in relationships. Withdrawers often fall into the category of having an avoidant attachment style. This means they tend to value independence and self-sufficiency highly, often appearing aloof or uninterested in deep emotional connections. Their mantra seems to be, "I can take care of myself; I don't need others to do that."

The Experience of Being a Withdrawer

Being a withdrawer is not just about a lack of desire for intimacy. Often, it's a defense mechanism developed over years. Many withdrawers have experienced situations where dependence on others led to disappointment or hurt. Thus, withdrawing becomes a way to protect themselves from the vulnerability of emotional exposure.

In relationships, withdrawers often feel misunderstood. Their need for space can be misinterpreted as indifference or lack of love. However, deep down, they might yearn for connection but fear the risks it brings. This internal conflict can lead to a feeling of being trapped between the need for closeness and the drive to protect oneself from potential emotional pain. Sometimes this risk is thought of by the withdrawer as being “overwhelmed” by “causing a fight.” Avoidance of a fight may become such a priority that they disconnect from the other person to do it, causing their partner, often a “pursuer,” to feel abandoned.

EFT's Perspective on Withdrawers

Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers profound insights into the behavior of withdrawers. EFT is based on the premise that emotional responses are key in the formation of attachment bonds. It views the tendency to withdraw not as a sign of lack of care or love, but as a form of self-protection.

EFT suggests that withdrawers often have a deep fear of rejection or inadequacy. This fear drives them to pre-emptively pull away from relationships to avoid pain. In therapy, withdrawers are encouraged to explore these fears and learn to express their underlying needs and emotions.

The EFT Approach to Helping Withdrawers

1. Creating a Safe Space: EFT therapists focus on creating a secure and supportive environment where withdrawers can feel safe to open up. This involves validating their fears and concerns and showing understanding for their need for independence.

2. Exploring Underlying Emotions: Withdrawers often have difficulty identifying and expressing their emotions. EFT encourages them to explore and articulate their feelings, which can be a transformative experience.

3. Reframing Dependence: EFT works on changing the withdrawer’s perception of dependence. It teaches that seeking emotional support is not a weakness but a natural human need, helping them to gradually open up to the idea of interdependence in relationships.

4. Enhancing Communication: Withdrawers often struggle with communicating their needs and emotions. EFT helps them learn to express themselves more effectively, fostering better understanding and connection with their partners.

5. Addressing Past Hurts: Many withdrawers have past experiences that contribute to their current behavior. EFT helps them process these past hurts, understand their impact, and learn new ways of relating.

The Journey of a Withdrawer in a Relationship

The journey of a withdrawer in a relationship is one of gradual opening and vulnerability. It involves learning to trust, not just in their partners but in the strength of their own emotions. For a withdrawer, every step towards openness is significant, requiring courage and the willingness to face deeply rooted fears.

Conclusion

Being a withdrawer in a relationship is a complex experience, marked by a struggle between the need for closeness and the fear of vulnerability. I use Emotionally Focused Therapy to offer a compassionate and effective approach to helping withdrawers lean into the relationship safely. By understanding their fears and learning to express their needs, withdrawers can find a balance between independence and emotional connection, enriching their relationships and personal growth.

If you are needing help from a trained marriage and family therapist who specializes in couples, contact me. If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.