Every couple is different. I tell my couples that 100% of my couples have been raised in different households. So of course injuries are inevitable. Different families have different traditions. Different gestures and words carry different meanings. Today, we’re talking about gift giving as a gesture, and specifically, a lack of gift giving. Each individual desires love to be expressed to them in specific ways.

You may be familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s Love Languages. He posits that every person has some favored ways that they express love and some gestures that generate the feeling of being loved. If your love language has you yearning to receive gifts, there is nothing “wrong” with that. It’s not a sign of materialism. If your love language inspires you to give gifts, it’s also not wrong or materialistic. The trick lies in discerning and respecting each other’s love language. 

The good news is, unlike the number of toes or fingers, love languages are not set at birth. If you can discern your spouse’s love language, you can speak them back to your spouse. More importantly, each of you can engage in a conversation about why your respective love languages mean so much to you. This sets a collaborative tone that allows using each other’s love language, and gets you to feel like you’re part of the same team.

More About Love Languages and Personal Styles 

The general list of love languages includes:

• Words of Affirmation

• Acts of Service

• Receiving and/or Giving Gifts

• Quality Time

• Physical Touch

So, if you feel bad about not getting gifts, this makes it doubly important to identify your love language while asking your partner to identify theirs. Before either of you jumps to conclusions about needs being unmet, remember that the onus is on you to express those needs. You make be in synch and feel like soul mates but you probably still can’t read each other’s mind. 

Talk openly about your needs, wants, and desires. The goal is not to change anyone’s love language but to do your best to get on the same page. Sometimes, it can be as simple as asking “Do you need anything?” When it comes specifically to gifts, it can help if you explain to your partner why giving and receiving them is meaningful to you. 

Some Reasons Why Gift-Giving Can Be Bonding For Couples

Showing Appreciation

As time passes in a relationship, partners can feel under-appreciated. A simple, thoughtful gift has the power to pre-empt such feelings. These kinds of gifts can be “just because.” When you love someone, you don’t a reason to express it and let them know. 

When You Don’t Know How to Say It

Everyone knows there are times when words won’t suffice. You want to share something with your partner but it goes beyond the verbal expression of sentiment. At a time like this, a gift can be the ideal option. 

Gifts Can Turn Into Memories 

Look around the home of a friend or family member. Look around your own home. Most likely, you will see items — large and small — that mark a specific time in someone’s life. Having such gifts within your line of sight connects you to the events and memories that make up your history as a couple. 

As Part of Saying “I’m Sorry”

Obviously, if you have hurt someone — especially your partner — they deserve a sincere, authentic apology. I have an article on making your apologies more effective. A gift is not a worthy replacement. Nothing is. However, giving a specific, meaningful at such a time can be a soothing and profound complement to the remorse and regret you are articulating. 

They Are a Way to Celebrate 

This doesn’t just go for birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays. Let’s say your partner completed a 5K race for the first time or decided to do something like start a podcast. Celebrate! Let them know that you share their excitement and they have your full support. A cute little gift can feel mighty nice in such a situation.

Couples Therapy Is a Gift That Never Stops Giving 

Like so many aspects of being in a relationship, gift-giving and love languages can get lost in the shuffle. Emotional distance grows and you’re not even sure why. Committing together to couples therapy is a way to explore all this confusion. It’s your safe space to learn more about each other and thus, grow together. 

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.