Couples counseling isn’t a scoreboarding exercise. Marriage shouldn’t be either. If you’re scoreboarding, there is something that has likely been wrong in your relationship for a long, long time. You’re probably suffering from loneliness, and either fighting or a really hard disconnection. You probably don’t feel very seen or heard, and definitely not understood.

What is Scoreboarding?

If you’re not familiar with scoreboarding, it’s the process of noting, often in your head, injuries you’ve endured in your relationship. The memory of these injuries are often used in a future argument, which feels particularly unfair to the other person, as they may not be aware that the scoring was taking place.

What’s Wrong With Scoreboarding?

This question can be split into two parts:

1. What damaging dynamics are happening that produce scoreboarding?

2. What is damaging about scoreboarding itself?

What’s Damaging About The Behavior of Scoreboarding?

The act of scoreboarding itself is damaging. For some of you, that’s obvious. Some of you are saying”But don’t we all remember the hurtful things the other person has said after an argument?” That may be so, but keeping a record for later can do the following:

1. Scoreboards should only exist if people are interested in “winning.”

2. If you are truly interested in “winning” individual arguments, you will lose your relationship. Relationship therapist Terry Real has a great saying: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

3. All of this points to a major aspect of scoreoboarding. It’s a way to continue a fight because it’s recording hurts, and throwing it back in the other person’s face at a later fight. Now I don’t mean you should just “forget the past.” You should definitely be able to address the pain you’re experiencing with your partner or spouse. But that’s a process of vulnerability. In that process, you get to say “I was really hurt,” instead of ,”You always do this character assassination, Jerry, and it’s infuriating!” If you’re interested, I go over how to give feedback without fighting in a prior post.

What’s Going on Underneath?

There are damaging dynamics that are happening if scoreboarding exists. Here are some of the issues:

1. Scoreboarding can happen when there have been repetitive injuries.

2. Scoreboarding can happen when injuries are serious (infidelity, abandonment in really important life events, etc.)

3. Scoreboarding only happens when your relationship isn’t supporting consistent and effective repair. Repair is more important than prevention of injuries because it’s inevitable that we hurt the other person. The concept of “The story I Make Up In My Head” is a great tool because it lets the other person into what is in the way for you, but also takes responsibility that you’re doing this in your own head. It’s a way to increase vulnerability in your conversations and help kickstart a healing conversation.

Getting Help

If you’re finding yourself or your partner/spouse tracking hurts, then flinging them back in a future fight, you might be scoreboarding. I’ve been working with couples for over 12 years and share a lot of my thoughts about how couples can repair or catch themselves in unhelpful dynamics. Check out my marriage and couples counseling page to see more about how I think about couples. If you’re in Minnesota, I can help via video counseling or if you’re in the Minneapolis/Edina area, I can help in person too. Call me at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to self-scheule a free, 15 minute phone/video call. I want you to get back to the relationship you want. Take good care.