Relationships are a lot of work. Part of that work is staying in tune with where the work needs to be done. After the honeymoon phase, it’s dangerously easy to slip into routines and rhythms. In such a state, you can take each other for granted. The little gestures no longer seem necessary. In turn, the bigger gestures fall down the list of priorities. 

If it’s you who have not done enough work, there will be signs. These signs won’t have neon lights, but they are obvious to anyone who is paying attention. Recognizing the signs is the first step toward stepping up as a partner. 

Signs You Need to Step Up as a Partner

Surprise

This can take many forms. Here are a couple of examples:

• Your partner informs you that they are struggling. They’re feeling depressed or anxious or dissatisfied. And this surprises you. You’ve allowed yourself to become so detached that you’re out of touch with your partner’s feelings.

• Another time you may be surprised is when you try to imagine what a typical day is like for your partner. It could relate to work, child-rearing, personal hobbies, etc. But you just don’t know what makes them happy or sad on a daily basis. 

Your Partner Is Not Your Go-To Person 

When you get big news of any kind, your partner should be the first person you want to tell. If this isn’t the case in your relationship, you need to ask yourself why. 

Where Did All the Plans Go?

When you first met, there weren’t enough hours in the day to do all you wanted to do together. What about now? Sure, things will naturally cool down, but how often do you make plans together?

Do you prioritize each other when you have free time or are you always hanging out with others? How easy is it to come up with ideas that will make both of you happy? Another big question: How far in advance do you make plans?

You Don’t Miss Them 

This may sound overdramatic, so let me explain. The equation is simpler than it first sounds. If you and your partner do fewer things together, you get used to it.

You fall into a comfort zone and, if left unchecked, that dynamic can cause you to miss them less when you’re not together. Assess your emotions honestly. Are you with your partner less than before and if so, how do you feel about it?

A Few Ways to Step Up as a Partner

Spoiler alert: There is no secret formula. Stepping up as a partner involves the kind of commitment, awareness, empathy, compassion, and hard work you might imagine it does. I don’t have a list of “tricks” for you to try. Rather, here are some time-proven basics to bear in mind:

• Take conscious steps to be more present

• Be a better listener

• Ask about their day

• Make them feel important

• Be supportive of their goals, efforts, and dreams

• Practice self-care

• Take good care of yourself in every possible way

• Seek out humor, laughter, and fun in your life

• Own up to mistakes

• Offer an authentic apology whenever you mess up

• Try new things and be open to spontaneity

• Don’t aim for perfection but always be willing to do the work

This is not a definitive or complete list. It’s a list of ways It’s designed to point you in a new direction. There’s another way to think about this, and it can be boiled down to A.R.E.

Boiling It Down

A.R.E. You being Accessible, Responsive and Engaged?

I wrote an article on 3 things that every person wants from their partner or spouse. It can be boiled down to these three things:

1. Accessible: Are you willing to look up from the phone to talk to me or greet me at the door?

2. Responsive: Are you responding to me like a corporate motivational poster, or are you actually paying attention to what I’m saying? If I’m talking about hurt, fear, or loneliness, how are you addressing these emotions I’m expressing?

3. Engaged: Do my concerns seem important to you? Are you just saying,”Turn that frown upside down!” Is what I’m saying important to you because they’re important to me?

If you want a longer-form read on being accessible, responsive, and engaged, check out the article. It will provide some ways you can break out of it.

Making It Better

Use the big list or the “boiled down list” to check on yourself and to think of other crucial steps you should take. And remember, you are not expected to have it all figured out. Asking for guidance is a powerful sign that you are committed to your partner. I’m here to help. 

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn how to get unstuck, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.