If only we had a crystal ball. You’ve met something special, that someone with whom you truly click. sure, not everything is perfect, but it’s never felt quite like this before. You find your thoughts drifting to ideas like “the future” and “long term.” But how can anyone really know?

A casual scroll through social media will present you with relationships at various stages. We literally get to watch some connections crumble in real-time. But they looked so happy, you ponder. Spoiler alert: Don’t trust social media posts. In order to effectively gauge your relationship, you need a realistic assessment of what you see and feel.

5 Signs That Must Not Be Ignored

Lack of Communication

Without the foundation of healthy communication, it’s hard to envision “long term”. Part of the function of your relationship is orienting you to the other person. Without communication, there can’t be that orientation.

Device Distraction

Where are your eyes focused most often? Are you paying attention to each other or to your screens and scrolling? Device distraction is a form of avoidance. You can avoid interacting with the other person by spending too much time at work. Spending too much time on business trips. Are you doing the same by spending too much time looking away?

Intimacy

This is no “correct” about intimacy, lust, or sex. But if you’re not even holding hands, it’s a red flag. Physical and emotional intimacy are languages that two people in committed relationships share that are uniquely theirs. If those languages aren’t being spoken, then there’s something missing.

Intellectual Incompatibility

At the heart of most connections is the ability to talk about anything and everything. Intellectual stimulation must be present for things to be more than a Tinder fling. Is this new? Did it exist since the beginning of your relationship? Relationships take effort. And whether that’s getting back to something you had or building something new like common interests, you have to put energy into it. You can’t just ignore this.

Disrespect

This may manifest in so many ways, e.g.

• Ignoring boundaries

• Abusive language

• Passive-aggression

• Unwillingness to listen

• Not holding up their end of responsibilities

• Secrecy

• Broken promises

• Flirting with others

The list goes on but you get the idea. Respect is non-negotiable.

The 4 Horsemen: Another Way To Think Of Problems

John Gottman, a marriage and relationship researcher based in Seattle, highlights "The 4 Horsemen” of relationships. They come in pairs. Stonewalling, Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt.

5 Signs That Your Relationship Has a Future

Healthy Communication

It starts with a desire to communicate. Both of you can’t wait to talk with each other. It’s a priority. You have stories to tell, ideas to share, and new approaches to discuss.

You communicate often, directly, and in person. It’s normal for you both to turn off your devices and aim your attention at each other.

If you aren’t communicating with each other, what’s in the way? Ask yourself what’s getting in the way, then look underneath. If you’re both spending too much time on screens, then ask “what are we doing on the screens?” Are you working after work? Are you on social media? Are you avoiding interacting?

Trust and Transparency

Any relationship is doomed if one or both partners feel the need to keep actions, thoughts, and feelings to themselves. The existence of trust is a powerful barometer of longevity. Take an honest inventory of the trust you share (or not).

In longer term relationships, there’s another level of trust that often gets ignored - it’s the trust you need to divulge really difficult things like “I’m worried she’s not attracted to me anymore.” Or “I’m worried he thinks I look too old.” Carving out time to have a serious conversation like that is really important.

Accountability

You’re reliable. You show up in good times and bad. If you screw up, you do not deflect blame. You own up to it and deliver an authentic apology. You show remorse and a desire to do better. The same goes for your partner.

You Know How to Have Fun

This is an “intangible.” The happy couples — the ones with a future — find joy in almost all they do. They laugh easily and are open to trying new and exciting experiences. Fun is a daily (hourly?) part of their lives and they make no apologies for it!

Conflict Resolution

Every single couple will endure conflict. Read that again. Fights, disagreements, and arguments are unavoidable. What keeps your relationship sustainable is a shared commitment to conflict resolution.

You’re not looking to win or compete or be “right.” Together, you aim to deescalate, learn, and move on.

But… How Do You REALLY Know?

Again, a crystal ball would be awesome, right? Yet there are excellent ways to assess and secure your bond. Doing so in the presence of a skilled guide is a powerful step.

I’ve worked with countless couples. Almost all of them shared a desire to strengthen their connection and create a healthy future together.

Your weekly sessions can serve as a safe space of sorts. You and your partner can hash out concerns and work on solutions. Let’s connect for a free and confidential consultation. Putting in the work as a team is even better than a crystal ball.

To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.