Boredom, to one degree or another, is normal in any aspect of life. For example, we have no trouble admitting that our job is not exactly stimulating.

In relationships, however, the emotional stakes are much higher. It can feel hurtful to your partner if you even hint at feeling bored.

That said, boredom is a far too common reason for a failed relationship. To not admit it — and thus, not talk about it — only increases that risk. On top of this tendency sits a vast array of unexplored issues. What feels like boredom could really be a sign of something else? Let’s dig deeper.

Is Boredom Normal in a Relationship?

If you or your partner (or both of you) don’t prioritize your relationship, boredom has a nasty way of making its presence felt. Here are few other behaviors that can increase the likelihood of boredom for you and your mate:

• Not enough individual social time: You can get lost in your relationship and lose touch with other interests and needs.

• Too much individual social time: It’s a tricky and delicate balance.

• Taking intimacy for granted: There’s much more to your intimate connection than one or two specific acts followed by (you hope) an orgasm. In addition, it is essential to view emotional intimacy just as important as physical contact.

• Going through the motions: Things seem to be going well so you never rock the boat or try anything new.

• Avoiding conflict: No one wants to or should argue all the time. But never arguing can be just as problematic. You must acknowledge each other’s different viewpoints — even when that makes you uncomfortable.

Any of the above can open a crack for boredom to slip in. Still, there remains the possibility that it’s not boredom you’re dealing with.

How to Make Sure It’s Actually Boredom

Identify

Is boredom what you really mean? I talked to my 10-year-old son the other day about his English class. He said, “I don’t like it because it’s boring.” But it’s also very difficult for him.

What he’s not saying is that it’s actually really hard for him. He doesn’t like it because it doesn’t feel pleasant. If you’ve been feeling bored with your partner, it could be that you don’t want to face some deeper, more challenging problems.

Clarify

Your day-to-day life might be really preoccupying you. If you have kids, this happens easily. If so, talk to your partner about it. It can feel really threatening to bring something like this up but know that this is a solvable problem.

The two people best positioned to fix it are you two. For example, is the problem of sexual boredom or a lack of sex? Be specific when you discuss such topics. But be kind. I have a piece I wrote on using Emily Nagoski’s terminology of accelerators and brakes to talk about your sexual desire.

Talk about your needs — not only about what the other person is doing “wrong.” If you talk about what the other person is doing wrong, it’s likely going to land like criticism. Start with “I” statements and structure your response like this: “I really need more lead-up to our sexual play. I want to feel really connected to you - that’s what gets me open to you.”

Communicate

The above two suggestions are about specific talking points. But you and your partner must also commit to a steady and open evolution of your communication skills. You may like to imagine you can read each other’s minds. It makes a lot more sense to not take that chance.

Ask yourself why you aren’t communicating. Are you someone who pursues? That is, do you tend to try to resolve a difficult conversation by getting to the root cause of the conflict? This article I wrote might help you understand yourself, and enlighten your partner on what you’re going through.

Are you someone who tends to avoid conflict? Look at this article on conflict avoidant partners, and see if it speaks to you. You might even be able to send it to your partner to let them know what you go through.

Couples Counseling vs. Boredom

If boredom is seeping into your connection, you may be dealing with one or both of these issues:

• Not being sure about the underlying cause.

• Feeling unable to break the boredom-inducing patterns.

In couples counseling, I’ll work with you to address these concerns. This process may be challenging, but it will never be boring. If you want to know more about my thoughts on marriage and couples counseling, go to my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and are looking for help, you can contact me at 612.230.7171, email me on my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a consultation. Let’s connect.