Honesty is the best policy. Yet, it’s trickier than you may realize to discern truth from fighting. Are you pointing out how your partner is doing something wrong? That’s called criticism. Are you talking about how they’re a jerk? That’s character assassination. These aren’t about advancing a discussion. They’re about pushing someone away with criticism or anger or bashing through their defensiveness to get them to be present with you. Yes, honesty is a powerful way to build trust. And when you can do it without anger, and really own your emotions, it’s a powerful transformative experience. But when it’s wrapped up with anger and fighting, it can be a relationship killer.

4 Ways Giving Your Truth Can Get You In Trouble

1. Truth vs. Truth

Your truth will often look different from your partner’s truth. Each of you has lived through different experiences and thus, you have different perspectives. Your view of what is “true” is almost certainly shaped by the many events in your life — good or bad.

There is the famous saying,”Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”

Rather than getting into a battle of truth vs. truth, it’s more productive to start by talking about what outcomes you are each seeking in this discussion or conflict. Having shared positive outcomes in mind makes it easier to work your way through all the details and specifics.

2. It Can Weaken Trust

As touched on above, blunt honesty has the potential to escalate conflict and mistrust. Speaking your truth without factoring in the needs of your partner is rarely a healthy choice.

In many cases, our need to drop truth coincides with some strong feelings. This only increases the odds of the truth arriving gift wrapped in aggression. There are more than a few ways to mitigate this misstep.

For example, see #3 for a look at good timing.

3. Poor Sense of Timing

It’s easy to feel righteous when you have truth to drop. But… is your partner ready to hear your truth in a receptive way? You may be soulmates, but that doesn’t mean you can read their minds. Find out where they’re at in terms of mood and energy.

Pay attention to the signals they’re giving off. If you sense that this is a bad time — or they explicitly tell you so — tell them you want to set up a time to talk soon. Let them know it’s important to you but do not force the issue.

4. Dropping Truth Becomes Droning On About Truth

If you’re right and you are certain you’re right, keep it short. Get to the point calmly and respectfully. Resist the urge to pepper your sentences with blame or judgment. Choosing to drop truth does not require you to “prove” that your partner is “wrong.”

This isn’t a courtroom. Have your say and then make room for your partner to process and reply. Short and simple is the way to go is your honest goal is honesty.

Learning How Best to Drop Truth

Dropping truth is often a strident and sanctimonious way of fighting. It wraps up your opinion/perspective as some kind of absolute and often criticizes. Take a look at your emotions right now.

Are you irritated/annoyed/angry/enraged? Then likely your “truth” is just going to be another word grenade lobbed at your partner. Just save it. You’ll probably have to apologize for it if you say it, and wouldn’t you rather just save the cleanup?

Here’s an piece I wrote on slowing down your argument before it gets you stuck.

When Dropping Truth Isn’t Working For You

There’s something that’s much more effective that “dropping truth,” and that’s getting vulnerable. Are you angry that your spouse signed you up for dinner with the neighbors even after you’ve told him to consult with you before making plans for both of you? You can tell him,”I hope you like eating dinner with our neighbors by yourself, because I’m not coming (you had something else going on).” This tells him that you’re angry. Sure, it’s accurate that you can’t come, but you’re also telling him that you’re going to make him pay for his mistake. When anger enters the room, people are often flummoxed that anger takes up all the attention instead of what you really wanted to tell them.

Consider instead telling him,”I’m so hurt that after telling you over and over that I want to be consulted for our plans, you still setup things for both of us and just tell me what we’re doing. I feel so unimportant and disposable. It feels like I’m optional in your life. Think of how powerful that can be.

This is easier said than done, of course. People in relationships can get triggered and respond in ways that feel so righteous. Heavy emotions can blur distinctions like true and false. I can help you navigate these grey areas. Let’s connect for a consultation and get things started. If you want to know more about how I think of couples, come visit my Couples and Marriage Counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota and want help working through your arguments, you can contact me at 612.230.7171 or email me through my contact page, or click the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

Take good care.