I want to talk about another AI. Not Artificial Intelligence. Artificial Intimacy. This is something that’s been active ever since big social media giants like Facebook have been operating and really boomed when you could access the networks from your phone. Social media allows us to post our breakfast in Instagram, our glorious family photos on Facebook, and our brilliant rage or awe inspiring tweets on twitter. It makes us feel connected, but is missing a key ingredient that truly builds intimacy: vulnerability.

Grooming Like Chimps

I’m dating myself here - I remember the National Geographic magazines with Jane Goodall watching chimpanzees grooming each other. It’s a social interaction that lets trusted compatriots in your troop groom you. It bestows logical benefits, like reducing lice, and more difficult to understand benefits, like social connection. Allowing someone close enough to remove parasites is very vulnerable. Humans do the same things sans the tick and lice search. They snuggle. They talk. They emote together. They get vulnerable. They’re bonding. They’re being intimate.

Humans have mechanisms to help create bonds too. It’s one of the reasons why Covid-19 isolation has been so hard on us. We play games, watch movies, we go to sporting events, concerts. For our intimate partners, we hug, kiss, touch, and have sex. All of these are bonding events that bring us joy, let us know we’re in this together, and can tell us we’re special to another person.

The Role Of Vulnerability

So what’s so special about vulnerability? Why is it necessary to build intimacy? Here’s what happens when you’re talking to your friend about some deeply seated insecurity: There is a point in the conversation where you may ask yourself,”Can I tell them this thing?” Then you say,”Should I tell them?” Then you tell them, and a moment goes by where you say,”This may not go well.”

It’s your leap of faith. It’s the bet you make, and on the other side is either failure and rejection or bonding and community. It’s that moment where things might not work out that lets you know that it was all worth it. It is a risk, and you won the jackpot.

Social Media: Artificial Intimacy

So why is a Facebook post about how great your meal is, or an instagram post about your vacation artificial intimacy? Because that vulnerability is harder to come by. You aren’t risking a whole lot when you’re cherry-picking great photos from your vacation and representing a moment in your life like you live in Tahiti 24/7-365. While these low-risk posts can generate likes or thumbs up, or facebook emojis, they’ll never have the vulnerable moment where the person in front of you could reject you. . . but doesn’t.

Dunbar’s Number

British anthropologist Robin Dunbar has done work to show that humans historically connect in groups no larger than 150 individuals. Within that group, you may be close to a handful and familiar with the rest.

Human brains are simply not equipped to juggle the intimate details of more than a few close friends and family members.

Today, we live in huge cities. We may work in settings that have us interacting with or at least accepting the presence of thousands of others. How many facebook “friends” do you have? It’s overwhelming.

Social Media As Intimacy?

Before the introduction of digital life, the average human spent 192 minutes per day “grooming” other humans. For centuries, humans dedicated an average of 20 percent of each day to such basic face-to-face interactions.

Today, we’re on social media an average of 153 minutes per day. Allowing for sleep time, modern-day internet users spend close to 20 percent of their time on such platforms.

It should come as no surprise that a 2019 study of people who owned Amazon Echo voice assistants found:

• “Voice assistants may serve as a means of overcoming loneliness.”

• “Individuals converse with voice assistants in the same way as they do with other humans.”

• They develop “a rapport with the assistant.”

• “Robots can provide a sense of companionship.”

We’ve come a long, long way from Dunbar’s Number.

Do You Want More Real Intimacy in Your Life?

We’re conditioned to accept technology as “progress.” But even a quick glance around will tell you that things have swung too far in one direction. Human beings are social creatures and without our 192 minutes of daily interactions, we are paying a high price.

It can be challenging to find some sense of balance in the tech age. Thus, a powerful step would be to connect — face-to-face — with an experienced therapist. You’ll be able to work through the modern-day issues that are impeding your social and romantic life. If you are vaccinated and have a vaccine card, I can see you in person. I also offer video visits, which have been very effective for my clients.

I’d love to help you reclaim and meet your social needs. Let’s connect and get you started on a path toward balance and true, deep intimacy.

If you want to find out more about how I think about couples, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, or email me through my contact form.