We live in an increasingly black-and-white world. Algorithms and news feed shepherd us into one mindset or another. In such an environment, inflexibility becomes the norm. On a micro-level, inflexibility can plague your life in other ways.

For example, in relationships, each partner can fall into a pattern of certain perspectives and behaviors. As time passes, this pattern feels natural. It feels like the truth. Getting either of you to challenge your point of view grows more difficult by the day.

Because emotional inflexibility grows slowly, it can feel invisible. By the time it’s obvious, the big problems are also obvious.

What is Emotional Inflexibility?

Nobody likes compromise in theory. You may tell yourself that you’re open-minded and giving but, life appears best when you get your way. This is not automatically a selfish outlook. It is normal to prefer setting the agenda. Of course, compromise is an inevitable component of your life—at work, home, and play. Thus, most people learn to find a workable balance.

Emotional inflexibility is the state you’re in when you find it harder and harder to compromise. You may come to resent the idea and resent your partner for representing that idea. In this state, you may not be able to:

• See or hear your partner’s point of view

• Have difficult or challenging conversations

• Make each other feel safe

• Build trust

Why Inflexibility is a Big Problem for Couples

• You lose a sense of mindfulness. Life becomes a competition, and at least one of you is too busy keeping score to be present.

• Feeling is mistaken for thinking. You hold on tight to your emotions and feel attacked when another angle is suggested.

• You lose out on sharing new experiences. This is the classic example of being “set in your ways.”

• Your couple goals are stifled. Even if you are (somehow) able to agree on a goal, you cannot deal with setbacks.

It’s as if you and your partner are actors in a long-running show. Same script, every night. Inevitably, things feel old and stale. To break out of a rut like this requires (wait for it) flexibility!

How to Reclaim Flexibility in Your Relationship

Recognize Flexibility as a Skill

If you were to start a yoga or stretching class, you would not expect to do a full split on the first night. Emotional flexibility requires just as much patience. It’s a skill. To benefit from it requires steady, patient practice—from both of you.

Direct, Face-to-Face Communication

Inflexibility creates passive-aggressive gestures. This, in turn, ramps up the resentment. You’ll feel pushed deeper into your all-or-nothing way of thinking. The antidote, as always, is honest communication. Do so in person, but remember this next part…

Respect the Importance of Timing and Non-Verbal Communication

Not every time is a “good time” to talk. Also, keep an eye on your non-verbal communication, e.g.

• Vocal tone

• Body language

• Facial expressions

Become Curious and Open to Learning

To bring it back to the news feed comparison, you need to step away from old habits. Flexibility blossoms when you’re not concerned about being right or winning. Every disagreement offers you two big possibilities:

• Learning something new, in general

• Learning something new about the person you love

Inflexibility keeps you stuck. You can’t grow or evolve. Your relationship becomes stagnant.

Let’s Talk About This!

I’ve worked with many, many couples who have felt “stuck.” Often, inflexibility is a root cause. Spoiler alert: This is a very fixable problem. We can get the process started with a free consultation. You’ll both be heard and validated as we lay the foundation for healing and recovery. To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage counseling blog. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.