In the beginning, there was sex. Everyone, of course, expects some cooling down in the passion department. However, there’s a huge difference between cooling down and shutting down.

It’s not unusual for couples to hit a dry spell. This can sometimes be caused by circumstances beyond your control. Life gets hectic. One of you is sick or injured. You decided to have kids. The reasons are endless. There are also time periods when one of you is simply never in the mood.

Research suggests that sexual satisfaction is important for relationship health. I’ve used the metaphor of sex as a language that you two are able to use with each other. When there’s been no sexual intimacy, that communication is shut down. We don’t have sex with our spouses all the time, so what does it mean to have sex shut down for “too long?”

How Long is “Too Long”?

This is no simple answer to this question. When trying to decide if a dry spell has turned into a problem, you have to consider factors like:

• What your intimacy patterns have been in the past

• Your age

• Length of your relationship

• Physical and/or mental issues

• What else is going on in your lives

The most helpful barometer may be tension. Is your partner’s lack of sexual interest causing tension between you two?

What Causes Someone to Lose Interest in Sex?

We’ve already touched on a handful of possible answers. Other more specific reasons could be:

• Underlying emotional problems that make intimacy less appealing

• Getting intimacy elsewhere, e.g. physical or emotional affairs, pornography, sexting, etc.

• Body image issues

• Sexual dysfunction

• Questions about one’s sexuality

ALL of the above may feel like a minefield. This is partly why so many couples opt to try therapy (see below). You may need a safe space and an unbiased guide to work through such topics. In the meantime, there are individual steps you make consider taking.

What to Do When Your Partner is Never in the Mood

I have a more in-depth piece on using a certain language to communicate your turn-ons and turn-offs. Here are some more steps that will help while you use that language to talk about your turn ons and turn offs:

“I” vs. “You” Statements

Watch your word choices. Saying “my problem is how you never want sex.” Is often taken as criticism. Instead, you can change to to something like,”Sex is a way I feel really close to you, and we haven’t had that in a while. I feel more alone when this happens to us.”

Teamwork

Your partner may not be able to identify a reason for not being in the mood. They simply may not know what they feel as they do. This is an excellent opportunity to work as a team. Might it be physical? If so, help them find a medical doctor. If their emotions have overwhelmed them, suggest therapy (again, see below).

Watch Your Reactions

Your partner may shut down. They may stonewall. As difficult as this may be, do not take that personally. You have every right to discuss this topic. You can do so without getting defensive.

Do Other Things Together

While you work on the intimacy issues, strengthen your bond in other ways. Work as a team as often as possible. Develop hobbies together. Keep your connection growing in the meantime.

Re-Imagine Intimacy

If you re-imagine intimacy as a connection, it can become so much more than one specific sex act. Intimacy can be expressed — and enjoyed — in so many ways. From holding hands to extended eye contact and beyond, explore the full range. Having this flexibility allows you to really tune in to someone else’s turn-ons, and will increase the chance of physical intimacy.

Some Professional Guidance Can Make a Big Difference

There are so many emotions at play here. In addition, societal norms and expectations can induce an awful lot of guilt and shame. Both of you may be experiencing an uncomfortable (and unspoken) blend of anger and confusion.

It makes sense to seek help. Working with a therapist creates a space where no subject is off-limits. Your weekly sessions become your safe haven. I’ve worked with many couples in a similar situation. In time, you can find healing and recovery.

If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my marriage counseling page. If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but can see people by video or in-person for vaccinated clients. Contact me at 612.230.7171, or email me via my contact page.