Love means learning how to say you’re sorry. Apologies matter. If you seek resolution, you must learn how to apologize sincerely. Doing so too quickly can make your partner feel like you just want to dismiss their feelings and “shut them up.”

Then there’s the celebrity apology, e.g. “I’m sorry if anyone was offended.” You can’t apologize for someone else’s feelings. The true way to say “I’m sorry” is to take responsibility for your actions. Every relationship involves some conflict — snd the need for forgiveness. Honing your apology skills is non-negotiable.

When is the “Right” Time to Apologize?

The person best positioned to answer this question is the one who has been wronged. You may feel totally ready to say “I’m sorry.” You may really want to move on.

However, what matters most is how the other person is feeling. Remember, they have the agency in this interaction. So, before we get to the mechanics of your apology, keep this important dynamic in mind.

3 Ways Your Apologies Might be Falling Flat

1. You’re Not Really Holding Yourself Accountable

As touched on above, the goal is not to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible or to blame someone else for being “too sensitive.” Your goal is to:

• Clearly name your actions

• Take full responsibility for those actions

• Show remorse and regret

2. You’re Hiding Behind Excuses

You feel terrible. You’re ashamed of yourself. The entire situation has depressed. These are very understandable emotions.

That said, you must resist the temptation to try explaining away what you did. “I’m sorry, but it’s been a tough couple of weeks.” Does that sound like a sincere apology to you? It may be true, but it’s not what needs to be said. Instead, aim for these objectives:

• Save the explanations and excuses for a future conversation

• Promise to make amends and to do better next time

• Ask for input on how to do better next time

3. Ask to Be Forgiven

In your eyes, you just gave the most kick-ass apology of all-time. You’re feeling proud of yourself, and naturally, you assume all is forgiven. Well… maybe. It’s wonderful that you’ve done the work to master the whole “I’m sorry” thing. But forgiveness is a different conversation in this process. It is a dialogue that can cement the healing process.

Keep in mind that not every apology—no matter how sincere—results in reconciliation. You don’t apologize because forgiveness is a promise. You own up to your transgression because it’s the right thing to do.

The Practice of Forgiveness

A giant step toward becoming better at apologies is to practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself and forgive others. You don’t have to condone someone’s actions to forgive them. In fact, things may never be the same. But you can release the heavy emotions of resentment and anger. A forgiving person:

• Feels what they need to feel: Process the pain or betrayal before moving forward to apologies and forgiveness. Don’t rush into something you’re not ready for.

• Doesn’t exploit the situation: When a person hurts you, you do not use it as an opportunity to badmouth them. It’s also not a justification for revenge.

• Remembers their own mess-ups: Everyone makes mistakes and behaves poorly.

• Lets go of blame: Once you forgive someone, there is no grudge to be held. If you’re still blaming, that’s on you.

Sound Impossible?

If all this feels unrealistic, join the club. Emotions are daunting and we often need help to sort them out. I’d love to work with you on this. Let’s connect and talk about how to make sure you’re living in line with your values.

If you want to find more of my thoughts on marriage and relationships, go to my page on marriage counseling. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.