When I work with couples, cooling off is part of a recommended strategy to have a nuanced conversation. I propose to people that they should use a method to give feedback, but cool off if they are getting heated. The method of feedback goes something like this: Let your partner know that you’re overwhelmed and that it’s hard to hear them. It can go something like this:

“I want to hear you out right now, but I’m so [overwhelmed/heated/irritated] that I am finding it difficult to hear you, and I want to hear you. Can we check in again in 2 hours?”

This allows you to cool off so you can actually have a more nuanced conversation. If you’re feeling flooded/overwhelmed/agitated, you’re likely entering into a fight/flight/freeze mode. If that happens, you’re likely not going to have a conversation. You’re likely going to fight. But the other half that I tell clients they have to do is actually check in at the appointed time. Otherwise, you’re only training your spouse or partner that they can’t trust you. I have an article on how slowing down actually improves productivity of conversations.

Now Cool Off

Cooling off should be simple, right? You just have to get away from that person that was irritating you so much. They didn’t leave you alone. They called you names. They were unfair. They just kept nagging. . . Except thinking about all of these things while you’re trying to “cool off” isn’t cooling off. Have you ever had the experience of being so caught up in a loop in your head that you end up angrier than when you first started thinking about something?

First Take a Deep (square) Breath

This might sound trite, but it actually works. I helped my wife in labor with a combination of square breathing and guided imagery. Square breathing is like normal breathing, except you breathe in as deeply as you can, then hold that breath for 4 seconds. Then exhale and hold that exhale for 4 seconds. Then repeat. I’ve gone more in depth on it in my article on Square Breathing and Calming Down.

Deep breathing stimulates your parasympathetic nervous system. It’s a fancy name for the part of the nervous system that calms you. As you do this breathing, notice how you’re breathing. That might sound crazy - “I’m just breathing, right?” Well, notice how the air is going in and out. Notice how your nostrils flair at different parts of your breath. Congratulations. You’re now meditating.

Now Break Your Thought Loop

Your thought loop may not be serving you. If you were in a fight, then you’re probably thinking of how the other person is doing things wrong. If what you want to do is cool down, this may not be the right approach. I want to be clear here - I’m not saying you weren’t treated poorly. I’m not saying the other person is right. I’m just saying: If you want to calm down, this isn’t the place to go.

If you’ve done the square breathing, keep doing it. Gently remind yourself to come back to it when it comes back into your attention. Now think of a place you’ve always found safe, restorative, and relaxing. Is it a beach in Hawaii? Is it a particular place in time, like a Christmas celebration when you were 8? Settled on a place or time?

Good. Now imagine that you’re walking into that space. It’s your safe space, your place that gives you comfort and security. Notice the temperature of the air. notice the smell. Are there any noises in the surroundings? Are there people? Do you hear birds? Now walk to a part of your safe space that feels especially nice/safe/comforting. Where is it? Linger for a while. What are you doing that feels restorative? are you lying down? Are you reading? Are you sipping a drink?

Now slowly bring your attention back to the present. Are you taking a walk? Are you in a room? If you’ve closed your eyes, slowly open them. Notice your heartbeat.

If you feel calmer, then that’s good. That’s the work it takes to get you in a calmer state. Once you’re calmer, you can have a difficult conversation without attacking your partner. Here is an article I wrote about the next step - actually giving feedback without fighting. It actually takes a page from Terry Real, who has written some great books on couples.

Now You’re Calm: Time To Get To Work

But the biggest mistake is to think that just leaving the situation is going to give you a different outcome. You actually have to work at it. Does that surprise you? Has anything really of value landed on your lap without work? Only if you’ve won some kind of lottery, whether it’s genetic, or intergenerational wealth passed down, or pure chance. Don’t leave your relationship to pure chance.

If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.