Life is teeming with ups and downs. As a result, our self-esteem levels are fluid. When something goes poorly, we may question ourselves. We may question our own worth. Confidence is definitely not a static state. Unfortunately, this reality impacts all aspects of our lives.

For example, poor self-esteem can have a profound effect on your relationship. When you feel insecure, it changes how you interact with your partner. It may also change how you see your partner. Self-esteem issues can cause black-and-white thinking—about yourself and about your significant other. It’s important to recognize when this is happening.

8 Ways to Recognize When Your Poor Self-Esteem Impacts Your Relationships

1. Unhealthy Communication

Poor self-esteem usually leads to poor communication skills. For example:

• Avoiding confrontation

• Unwilling to take a strong stand on anything

• When your partner speaks, you hear what you believe or what you expect to hear

• Tolerating disrespect or even abuse

• Conversely, you may be the one who does the belittling as a way to sabotage a relationship you don’t feel worthy of having

2. Lack of Trust

Perhaps you have been burned before. Maybe you watched your parents fight and eventually get divorced. There are several root causes, but the end result is a lack of trust. You remain guarded around your partner even when they give no reason to do so. This prevents you from being vulnerable and exposing your truest self.

3. Codependence

A few questions to ask yourself:

• When you think about being alone, does it fill you with dread?

• Do you look to your partner as your entire social life?

• Are you expecting your partner to share tour emotions

• Do you get nervous or angry if your partner does not provide constant attention?

4. Defensiveness (and more)

Everything sounds, looks, and feels like an attack. Concurrently, since you feel undeserving of respect, you tolerate attacks (real or imagined). But it doesn’t stop you from being defensive all the time.

5. Dominance

Poor self-esteem can manifest in expected ways. For example, you may subconsciously put your partner on the defensive. You’re jealous and suspicious. Left unaddressed, this can lead you to control your partner. You may feel the “need” to isolate them from others to protect your own fragile self-worth.

6. Desperation

Someone with low self-esteem can’t even imagine losing their partner or their relationship. They go to extremes to prevent this. In desperation, they may fixate on understanding what their partner wants or needs.

7. Always Testing

If you see yourself as unworthy, you may find it impossible to believe that someone could love you. Hence, you test them. This level of suspicion is usually enough to provoke some angry responses. In turn, such a response may “confirm” your belief that you are unlovable.

8. Stuck in Repetitive Patterns

What if it was your poor self-esteem that created this relationship in the first place? Re-read the above entries. If this is how you see yourself and treat others, it’s surely not unusual to attract negative people as potential partners. The cycle continues when those negative people play their role in “proving” your unhealthy beliefs to be true.

It Really Helps to Have Another Viewpoint

An unbiased but skilled guide is well-positioned to identify the above patterns. This may involve individual or couples therapy (or both). I’ve worked with many couples who seem stuck in a negative, hopeless place.

If self-esteem is the root cause, it can be hard to recognize. If one of you can’t receive positive regard, the problems can be hard to repair. I’d love to help. Let’s connect for a free consultation and see what we can discover together.

To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.