If your relationship is not going well, it’s normal to wonder why. The possibility exists that you are sabotaging things. I know, that’s hard to accept. But it’s also very hard to recognize. The underlying issues might seem invisible at the moment.

The best way to tell if you’re sabotaging your own relationship is if you’re behaving disproportionately to what’s happening to you. This often occurs because you’re either afraid of something or hurt about something. Anger often pops up to protect you in such moments. In response to that anger, people will either shut down, go away, or get big (raise voice, criticize, etc).

Defining “Sabotage”

I’m not talking about someone being cruel, mean, or abusive in the name of ending a relationship. The sabotage discussed here is far more subtle and far less intentional. You meet someone. There’s chemistry. All is going smoothly and then, without explanation, you grow distant—despite wanting this relationship to work.

Similar types of behavior can happen at any point in your relationship or marriage. The bottom line is that you cause friction where none existed. The most powerful steps you can take to avoid this trap are:

• Knowing why people sabotage their relationship

• Recognize the signs that you’re engaging in such sabotage

Why Do People Sabotage Their Relationships?

In each case, there will be unique factors at play. There is no way to predict and/or discuss all the possible variables. However, there is one major cause that demands your attention. Your attachment style dramatically influences all of your relationships—lovers, friends, family, co-workers, etc.

Your attachment style is created in your earliest years. How your parents and caregivers treat you shapes either a secure or insecure attachment in you. Secure is obvious. In the realm of insecurity, your style may be avoidant, anxious, preoccupied, etc.

You may have been cared for by inconsistent parents. Then again, you may have endured childhood trauma. All across the scope of “insecure,” there are reasons you stop replying to texts, cancel plans, etc. as an adult. We’ll return to this in the final section below.

How Can You Tell If You’re Sabotaging Your Own Relationship?

• Withholding Sex: This means more than just the occasional “dry spell.”

• Avoiding Conversations About Negative Emotions: Do these discussions make you uncomfortable or angry?

• Focusing on Your Partner’s Perceived Faults: It’s a red flag if you are criticizing your spouse or partner all the time.

• Anger: As mentioned up top, you may display reactions out of proportion to the situation.

• Setting Unrealistic Expectations: One way to make certain your relationship lets you down is to expect your partner to be a superhero.

• Breaking Promises: It could seem “minor” (like being late or skipping a chore) but they add up.

• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Look out for the silent treatment.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Own Relationships

To repeat, there is a good chance your attachment style is a major factor. For that matter, your partner’s attachment style is likely an issue, too. Identifying these styles is paramount. You can work on that alone or together. Perhaps best of all, you can do this work in the presence of an experienced therapist.

Agreeing to try counseling together is a giant step toward change. You are showing a desire to learn, grow, and heal. A mediator can really help in identifying the root causes of the problem. I’d love to guide you through this process.

If the above sounded familiar in any way, we should talk. Soon. Let’s set up a free consultation and get both of you on the road to recovery. You’re better than this, and your relationship can be too.

If you want to know more about how I think of couples and relationships, come visit my couples and marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.