Change is inevitable - and difficult. When you become an empty nester, how will you bridge the gap that has grown between you and your spouse as you’ve launched your kids? How will your interests re-converge? How will you share a life that you previously led in silos?

Consider that overall divorce rates have dropped. Meanwhile, among couples over 50, divorce has doubled. Remaking your marriage after such a big change as the launch of your children is the only way you can prepare yourself for the work (and joy) ahead. Letting go of attachment to what life “should” look like will open up room for how life can look when you both are able to collaborate on your new life together.

Let’s look at some of the more common pitfalls.

Empty Nest Pitfalls

• Not Accepting the Need For Change: Whether you like it or accept it, change is happening. After saying goodbye to your children, you must embrace the need for adjustment. You may be in a “freeze” pattern, not knowing what to do, but trying mightily to keep everything from falling apart.

• Impatience: It will probably take a while to adapt. Don’t rush the process. Don’t judge yourself or your partner too harshly.

• The Gloves Come Off: With the buffers gone, you may feel more comfortable being critical. Resist this terribly counterproductive urge. I tell people instead to discuss what they need, not focus on how the other person is doing things wrong. Criticizing is another way people cope with difficult conversations. It’s a way to fight back, and is the “fight” in fight, flight or freeze.

• Feeling Jealous of Your Kids: They “escaped” and you may feel stuck. Pro tip: You can celebrate their autonomy and reinvent your life at the same time. But the key here is to understand you have a lot more agency in your relationship. You aren’t “left behind” in some kind of prison. You have the ability to negotiate a new relationship with your spouse.

• Emotional Distance: You may be left wondering “what happened?” Is the thrill gone? It might be but more likely, it’s ready to take a new form. Emotional distancing is one of three major behaviors people use to deal with difficult conversations. It helps reduce immediate distress, but long-term outcome of emotional distance is not good. It creates a “grown apart” dynamic that can become painfully clear once children leave.

How to Make the Most of This Transition

A major component of empty nest syndrome is the need to redefine your identities. You are still parents, of course, but that role has shifted. This shift can leave you feeling more than a little lost.

You’re still spouses, of course, but that role has also shifted. As one of the above pitfalls notes, a big first step is acknowledging these shifts and the need to shift yourself. To follow are some suggestions to help with this process.

Make Lists

Write down the roles you currently play. This can range from parent and spouse to things like a neighbor, co-worker, pet owner, etc. You are in the ideal time to reevaluate these roles. Which will you expand? Which will take a back seat? You have the freedom to make such changes to grab it!

While you’re in a list-making mode, take inventory of your interests, too. What did you like to do before you got married or before you had kids? Is there something you’ve always wanted to try?

For all your lists, you may want to keep a journal. You can share it with your spouse if you like. That journal will also be helpful if you opt to try therapy.

Try Things

As you peruse your lists, you may contemplate a wide variety of options. You know what? Try them. If you take a dance class, you can decide it’s not for you.

If criticism is the way you engage, you’ll need to find a way to talk about your needs without attacking. Try softening your message first. Then try asking for what you need. If freezing is what you do, you’ll need to practice asking for time and space so you can unthaw and really be there for your spouse or partner. See if this article on freezing speaks to your experience and consider sending your partner the link. If distancing is how you deal with things, you have to practice “staying in the pocket” and asking for breaks. You can look at the article on freezing or look at this post I made on how fear of conflict can ruin your relationship.

The idea here is to take the leap. You might be rusty after focusing so much attention on your children’s needs. So, get some practice in the realm of winging it!

Talk to People Who’ve Been Through It

It could be friends or family members. You may decide to join a group—online or in-person. But it helps to connect with couples who understand the struggle.

Every couple is unique, but there are dynamics that you’re likely encountering - Your communication may be in a pattern that keeps you stuck. You may be angry that your spouse is checking out or shutting down. You may feel overwhelmed that your partner is constantly attacking you. But either way, you need to help your partner hear you. Couples counseling can help slow you down and get you into a communication pattern that helps.

You’ll Need New Skills

As you transition into a new phase of your life, you will be called upon to grow. To develop the skills you need, it helps to have a guide. I’ve worked with couples for over 10 years helping them manage life transitions just like this.

To learn more about how I think about couples in general, check out my marriage and couples counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m here to help. Contact me, let’s talk, and let’s get you both on the same page again. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me through my contact page, or click on the orange button to self-schedule a free, 15-minute phone call.