If you’re not having as much sex as you’d like, chances are that it isn’t because your spouse or partner isn’t attracted to you. It is much more likely that there are too many sexual brakes operating in their daily lives. Wait. . . sexual brakes?

Two Concepts You Should Know About Sex

Sexual Brakes and Sexual Accelerators.

In my article on brakes and accelerators in sex, I talk about a way that couples can conceptualize what’s going on with their sexual desire and how to communicate to their partner about it. For a more thorough treatment of accelerators and brakes in sex, please see the article.

Responsive vs. Spontaneous Sexual Desire.

In this article, we’re going to focus on another favorite topic of mine: Spontaneous vs. Responsive sexual desire. Spontaneous sexual desire is the desire that can arise with little regard to context. You see a sexy person on the street or think a sexy thought, and your body says,“Wow! I’d like to have sex!”

Responsive sexual desire is is when your body says,”I’d like to have sex!” After sexy things are already happening to you. When you’re excited about having sex only after your partner initiates sex that means you have responsive sexual desire.

Taking Too Many Sexual Brakes

There are countless reasons you have less sex now than you did last year or last decade.

• Stress: Jobs, social lives, money, family, and various other responsibilities can put a damper on your libido.

• Kids: Having kids changes everything. Your sex life will not be immune to this reality.

• Tech Addiction: That device in your pocket may be where you go to get a fix of hormonal excitement. It may feel a lot less complicated than juggling sexual moods and vibes. Also, if you’re using that device to consume pornography, studies show how this can ruin a couple’s sexual compatibility.

• Underlying Emotional Issues: When you’re not getting along, this strife may be expressed by emotional and physical distance.

• Shifting Compatibility: As your relationship progresses, you and your partner will inevitably evolve as individuals. These changes may run the gamut but frequently involve sex life preferences.

Responsive Sexual Desire

Some people feel a mental interest in sex and know the physical responses will follow. This is what’s known as spontaneous desire, and it’s usually how sex is portrayed in movies and on TV. It just happens “out of nowhere.”

However, about 5% of men and 30% of women experience something called responsive desire. Simply stated, their desire arrives after the stimulation has begun. It is in response to arousal.

People with a responsive desire are sometimes — and erroneously — labeled as low libido. In reality, they just have different needs. Understanding the different types of response can help a couple by:

• Inspiring them to communicate more about their sexual needs

• Preventing them from misinterpreting style differences as a lack of interest

• Helping them to not take things personally and to not feel “ugly”

Creating a New Rhythm for Intimacy

There are endless reasons (and variations of reasons) why a couple may experience a sexual dry spell. No matter what’s going on, communication is key. Letting this situation fester is a recipe for resentment and passive-aggressive behaviors. There’s a ton of personal feelings at stake when sex is the topic. Honor this truth by engaging with it.

I’ve worked with many, many couples who have experienced a loss of intimacy. They are often confused, ashamed, guilty, or angry. Such emotions aren’t wrong, per se, but they create a roadblock. That’s why couples counseling is so productive - I can help you understand what’s in the way for both of you.

If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage counseling, read through my marriage counseling page. If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but am seeing everyone by video. Contact me at 612.230.7171, or email me via my contact page.