Most dating apps try to find ways to put their matching skills to good use. They’ll ask you questions and give you space to plant your flag. Everything from the astrological sign to the preferred spoon position will be revealed. This approach can be fun, and it can be useful.

But, once a connection is made, we all know there’s much more to sustained chemistry than cat person vs. dog person. We are each the product of countless factors — most of which are beyond our control — that evade dating algorithms.

For example, what if you were asked to list your emotional triggers?

What Are Emotional Triggers?

You could say that an emotional trigger is any topic or behavior that brings you discomfort. For each person, triggers vary — sometimes quite widely. In general terms, there are some common themes. These may be related to feeling:

• Rejected

• Invalidated

• Interrupted

• Blamed

• Judged

• Unattractive

• Controlled

Of course, while these are universal, how you interpret them is unique to you. And how your partner understands your emotional triggers is unique to them. Naturally, there is plenty of room there for a disconnect.

How Emotional Triggers Become Relationship Patterns

Aside from facing a disconnect, emotional triggers often become a groove in your life. How does this happen?

The Stakes Are Higher

The guy bellowing into his cell phone at the supermarket is annoying. Your partner talking loudly in your living room can feel catastrophic. The stakes are higher in a committed relationship, and everything seems to carry more weight.

Your spouse is a little quieter than usual, and you wonder if they don’t love you anymore. They “like” a friend’s social media, but not yours must mean they’re interested in that person.

Each moment with your other hand if fraught with potential for immense joy or misguided conflict. It’s an environment ripe for the triggering of old emotions.

Unhealthy Comparisons

“My ex never did that.” How often we think — or say out loud — something like that. It’s natural to compare our current situation to the past. But it is counterproductive to make this comparison the foundation of your happiness.

Instead of learning from the past, we can sometimes be trapped by experiences that have already come and gone.

How to Address Emotional Triggers

Negative habits and patterns can be challenging to navigate, let alone change. Here are some tips.

Control What You Can Control

It’s not fun to admit, but we can control very little in our lives. One thing that is always within our grasp to control is how we react to triggers, big and small. Aim your focus on refining your reactions.

Keep a Journal

Don’t leave yourself at the mercy of circumstances. Monitor your moods and your reactions. Learn what triggers you. From there, you may be in a much better position to:

• Avoid triggering situations

• Or, at least, better prepare yourself for them

Learn Why Your Triggers Exist

Emotional triggers are heritable like hair color or height.  Specific events cause them. Until those events are identified and processed, your triggers will likely remain — or intensify.

For your sake and your relationship, do the work to get to the root. Pro tip: You can ask for help with this (see below).

Getting a Handle on Your Triggers

Right now, you may find that thinking about your emotional triggers is triggering your emotions. This response is why so many people repress them and let the feelings flow in other ways. For more thoughts from me on couples counseling, check out my marriage counseling page.

Contact me for a free consultation to find ways to avoid this trap. Even better, bring your partner in on the phone call 612.230.7171. I’ve found that couples who work with a counselor can make incredible progress in identifying and managing their triggers. This outcome is good news for both of you.