When I talk to my clients about couples counseling, I tell them that insight is required but not sufficient. Why? Because part of what is needed is development of skills that you may not have. Today the skill I’m talking about is listening. Listening is a skill. Listening when you’re really vulnerable is a skill that requires constant practice. Should be simple right? Wrong.

Why?

Because if our partner is in distress, the thing we want most is to relieve that distress. So you can end up trying to “fix things,” you can apologize too quickly, or you can unintentionally invalidate them. Not to mention if you feel attacked. Then you can go into fight, flight, or freeze. So here are some mistakes people make in their relationships even when they’re trying to listen.

Three Common Listening Mistakes

Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we end up shooting ourselves in the foot. Or should that be “ear”? Here’s how we pull the trigger.

1. Taking Control

Your partner has something they need to discuss. It just might make you uncomfortable. So, you agree — but you have an unspoken caveat. You rush them. You want them to cut to the chase and get this over with. This approach isn’t hearing or validating. It’s role-playing. You want to appear like a good listener without actually the hard work of listening.

2. Apologizing Too Quickly

“Okay, sorry! Sorry! I said, I’m sorry! Are we good now?” The person you’re apologizing to has to get the feeling of being felt. They have to know you understand what you’re apologizing for. Otherwise, it can feel to them like you don’t care about them. You’re not giving them space to fully share their feelings. Like #1 above, you’re uncomfortable, so you try to set the agenda.

3. Your Listening Comes With a Surprise Attack

“But what about the time you…?” It very well may be that you have your beef to air out. But guess what? Now is not the time.

You invalidate your listening credentials when you offer an attack along with your listening. There can be a time and place for that issue. Choosing to derail your partner’s concerns is not an example of excellent listening skills.

How Does One Practice Listening?

Practicing how to listen isn’t a walk in the park, and this skill doesn’t always come with a how-to guide. Nevertheless, here are some vital tips.

Mindfulness

Life offers us endless opportunities to enhance our listening skills. The first step, therefore, is practice mindfulness. Learn to recognize when you would be best served by narrowing your focus and giving your attention to someone or something. This practice satisfies the dual purpose of rooting you in the moment and making you a better listener.

Radical Honesty

Sit down with your partner regularly to assess where you’re at. Permit yourself to speak directly but compassionately. Treat it as a team effort, not a gripe fest. Your relationship is worth it.

Actually Practice

If you were invited to a wedding and wanted to make a good impression on the dance floor, what would you do? Most likely, you’d set aside time to put on some music and practice. Why not utilize that same rational approach? Write it into your calendar and make it happen.

It Helps to Have a Listening Coach or Mediator

For the most part, no one chooses to be a crappy listener. There are countless reasons why it feels so hard to tune into your empathy and patience. You may have many emotional triggers. Perhaps you’ve never had a listening role model.

Whatever it is, the underlying reasons must be identified and addressed. Having a third party there like a counselor can be helpful to help soften the speaker and shore up the listener. Your therapist can be a mediator at first — to parse out your relationship dynamics.

Over time, they will coach and encourage both of you to dig deep to become the best and most loving listener you can be. The path to that intention is paved with practice, practice, practice.

If you’re finding yourself unintentionally not listening well and need someone to help, stop by my marriage counseling page. If you’re in the Western Twin Cities area, I can personally be of service. Contact me by email through my contact page, by phone at 612.230.7171, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15-minute consult. I look forward to helping both of you listen better.