You know what relationships aren’t? They aren’t about launching rockets. You know what else they’re not? Simple. They aren’t simple. Smart, educated couples who are masters at their craft at work can often be surprised by how complex their relationships at home are. Fights flaring over the simplest of things. I’ve blogged about couples who break up over squeezing out the sponge. But it’s never just about the sponge. It’s about the underlying emotions that hijack relationships.

What Are These Complicated Emotions That Hijack Relationships?

Short answer: All of ‘em.

At 2:00, you get a sweet text from your partner and instantly feel calmer and more positive about your day. By the time you get home a few hours later, you may see that the clean dishes are still stacked in the dishwasher and sigh, “There he goes again.”

Relationships are constructed on a vast, evolving array of emotions. Your brain is a very romantic organ, and it responds to all the feelings your spouse is displaying. This dynamic is sometimes remarkable. It can also be a big, big downer.

Specific events can trigger you. It doesn’t even have to be directly connected to something your partner said or did. You can’t logic your way out of this situation. Events in your life can implant these often-invisible triggers. It’s essential to examine them to keep them from controlling the relationship with the person you hold so dear.

Is There a Role For Logic in Relationships?

Short answer: Yes, but only if you aren’t espousing logic to avoid emotions.

The secret of logical couples is that often logic is used in lieu of emotions. This often ends in disaster because you aren’t a being of pure logic. Emotions come into play no matter how hard you try to avoid it, and often are most powerful when you’re avoiding it most. If one or both people are trying to avoid their anger or hurt, it becomes a recipe for disaster.

OK So Where’s the Logic Here?

Still want to use logic, huh? Here’s a pro-tip for you. Logic can be used to reduce the emotional charge when both of you are fighting. I work with couples to help them develop this skill of having a Relationship Safe-Word. Here are the steps to use this Relationship Safe Word method:

1. Talk about the language you’ll use to highlight to the other person that you need time to calm down after being overwhelmed. It’ll sound like this: “I really want to stop attacking you when we get in those bickering fights. What should I call it that will get your attention and let you know that I’m trying, but I need space to calm down?”

2. You agree on that term. It’ll sound like this: “Well, let’s call it our pickle. I think we’re in our pickle and I can’t calm down enough to really digest what you’re saying. I’m overwhelmed.”

3. When you two are caught in a fight, use the safe word. It’ll sound like this: “I feel like we’re in our pickle right now and can’t really hear what you’re saying, and I want to do that. So can we check back in after 2 hours so I can go for a run and calm down?”

4. Check back in in 2 hours and ask for more if you need it. This is only an agreement to check back in - your partner might not be ready to discuss your issue, so be ready for that.

Psychotherapy Finds the Right Blend of Emotion and Science

The truth is emotion and logic are both involved in resolving difficult conversations in relationships. The problem really comes in when emotions are allowed to hijack your relationship. In order to prevent that, you must address them. You can't simply avoid them. Remember the secret: logic is often a euphemism for avoidance.

For more information on my thoughts on couples counseling, feel free to peruse my marriage counseling page. If you are needing someone to help you with your relationship and you’re in Minnesota, I invite you to contact me. I can be reached at 612.230.7171, by email on my contact page, or by clicking on the button below for self-scheduling a free 15-minute consult.