It’s so common as to be cliché. Couples complain they have the same fight over and over. It’s not just the same argument about the same topic. I’m talking about the same battle as in two people reading from a script. It’s not like both partners enjoy playing this role — they’re tired of it.

But habits and patterns are not easy to recognize, never mind change. So, they stick to the familiar. They wonder what happened to “us.” Us is still there but, to reconnect, it requires both of them to start listening inside.

What Does Listening Inside Really Mean?

If I had to sum it up with one piece of advice: Go slow. Going slow is one of the most effective ways to override your emotional triggers. By doing so, you allow yourself the valuable opportunity to hear what’s going on inside your mind. You’ve been triggered. You feel vulnerable. Hence, you’re all set to defend yourself and go on the attack.

Listening inside means you respect that inclination. No one likes to feel judged or invalidated. It’s not unusual to feel the urge to react aggressively. This thought doesn’t make you a bad person. It does, however, squash the best version of you — the present version of you. The triggered you is listening to messages from your past. When you listen inside, you are choosing empathy. You are choosing a practical mindset based on what’s happening at the moment.

What Happens When You Listen Inside

This choice will not go unnoticed. It can shift a situation from the same old script to a fresh dialogue. Your partner will respond to the calming power of your decision to listen inside.

You Hear Your Partner More Clearly

“Playing video games again?” It can be a benign question. If you have a history of being judged for your choices, it could be an accusation. It can sound like an invitation to fight. Listening inside creates space for you to process and parse that reaction before you respond. It allows you to apply reason to your assessment.

You Differentiate Between Past and Present

As a child, you may have wanted your father’s respect more than anything in the world. But alas, he was not listening inside and couldn’t recognize your needs. So, that video games question — coming from the current person whose opinion you value the most — can trigger a response worthy of your childhood. Going slow supplies you with the time you need to differentiate between the past and the present.

You Rewrite the Script

Disagreements and fighting come with the territory. But no one has to stay stuck in a repeating loop of self-sabotage. The decision to slow down and listen carefully to what’s going on inside is the antidote to the “same crap, different day” cycle. Toss away the script and trying some improv next time!

Listening Inside Can Begin With Listening Together

I can hear many of you, sighing, “Easier said than done.” True, but can’t you say that about any effort to improve yourself and your relationship? On paper, it’s a bunch of simplified suggestions. In real life, a wide array of factors can derail your best intentions. This reason is why so many couples commit to counseling together. No one should expect to flip a switch and master the concept of going slow and listening inside.

A skilled couples therapist can help you identify the wounds that need healing. From there, it can be a smoother transition to healthy, productive communication between you and your partner. If you need help listening to yourself, call me for. a free, 15-minute phone consultation. You can call at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the button below to schedule the consultation.