Breaking news: Memes are not a good source of marriage advice. Coated in sugar, they give you little morsels of insight that seem good. But if they’re so good, why isn’t everyone’s marriage renewed by a few minutes on Pinterest? Here’s why: I tell people that for a couples counseling, insight is required but not sufficient. Both of you will need time and space to practice what you realize you should be doing in our sessions. Like a young kid aspiring to be a football player, you’ll first need to learn how to throw a football long before you win a game.

Counseling helps get you unstuck because you may not see where you’re stuck in the first place, you may see it, but not be able to avoid it, or you may not be able to avoid it consistently. Counseling helps you with all of those.

Some Reasons Why a Marriage Can Get Stuck

Marriages can seem stuck in a rut or negative patterns for various reasons, including the following.

Perpetual Problems

Emily Dickinson once wrote about it not being “one thing after another.” Instead, the poet posited, it’s the same thing over and over. Sound familiar? This issue is common for married couples, and it usually centers around fundamental, unaddressed differences.

Not Getting Past the Surface

Speaking of “not being addressed,” your feeling of being stuck and your perpetual problems usually have underlying roots. Too often, couples fight about whose turn it is to drive their child to soccer practice. In reality, the deeper sources of conflict are not accessed.

Unaddressed Dynamics

We live in an age of increasing awareness of inequitable dynamics. This idea goes for coupledom, too. Social realities do not disappear with your wedding vows. Factors like gender, race, class, ability, and age, can stifle the compatibility of your connection.

What Is Couples Counseling?

As you may have guessed from the name, this type of psychotherapy involves both partners meeting with a specialist regularly. (Very) generally speaking, the goals usually include:

• Focusing on a specific problem

• Working to gain greater insight into your bond

• Finding short- and long-term solutions

• Resolving conflicts

• Enhancing relationship satisfaction

• Getting un-stuck

Like any such relationship, there must be mutual trust and more than a little chemistry. It helps immensely to talk with a potential therapist before committing to any sessions.

How Counseling Can Help

I’ll use this section to tell you a little about my 4-step approach.

1. Calming

The act of calming begins with listening. When couples can hear and understand each other’s requests, it slows down the rush to anger. It sounds simple, but the real challenge is to listen more than you speak. Part of my work is to help you both adjust that ratio.

2. Identifying

Each of us has emotional triggers. Consciously or not, couples know what buttons to push, and too often, they go for it. One of my goals is to help you recognize this negative cycle. Over time, this awareness will decrease the feeling of repetitiveness.

3. Teaming Up

When you both can see the cycle, it’s time to work together to end it. Not only does this work toward reducing the conflict, but it also gets you back into the groove of working as a team.

4. Expressing Needs

When the patterns and cycles are laid bare, the crucial step is learning how to ask for what you need, while respecting your partner’s triggers. This partnership skill is magnificent to behold.

Unstuck-ness Is Just a Click Away

To me, there’s nothing like watching a couple get unstuck. You can see a shift in the way they look at each other. You can see a more open attitude. You can see more connectedness. Learning how to get unstuck is part of building resilience in your relationship.

Part of why I like working with couples is because I’m married. My wife and I have disagreements and face conflicts, too. I know firsthand how important it can be to have some guidance in times of trouble. Sometimes, couples counseling is the bridge that we all need in order to develop new skills and heal old wounds.

If you’re finding yourself stuck the same way over and over again, check out my page on marriage counseling. If you’re in the Western Twin Cities area, I can personally help you. You can reach out by sending an email on my contact page, calling 612.230.7171, or clicking on the button below to reserve a 15-minute time to talk. I look forward to finding out. how I can help.