If your spouse’s face gets blank, or they get silent when you’re trying to process a difficult conversation with them, this article may help you understand a little more about what may be going on for them.  For convenience, we’ll call their style of dealing with a difficult situation “withdrawing.” There are ways of improving the way you react to the situation. After this article, you can look at Helpful Skills: Square Breathing, and Going Slow To Go Fast for next steps.

What Things May Look Like For You

You know that your spouse gets quiet, and that’s upsetting in moments when you really need them most.  It starts getting you more activated, and they may respond by apologizing profusely or trying to convince you nothing is wrong.  Or they may just look at you blankly, like you’re the crazy one. It’s hurtful because what you’re trying to do is really solve a problem that’s affecting you and they’re not being helpful in the way that a spouse or partner should be helpful.  

You may be an extrovert or an “external processor” who needs to say things out loud in order to process your thoughts.  As you say the things that are on your mind, you may notice body language that may tell you your partner is starting to pull away.  What happens when you feel them pulling away? Is this where you start getting a “tone?” Is this where you start thinking or saying,”Are you listening to me?”  Is this where your gestures start becoming more pronounced? Your partner’s signals may be a trigger for you.  

What’s a Trigger?

I tell people that a trigger is something in your environment that makes your past dictate (instead of just inform) your present.  Put another way, they are things in the environment that elicit disproportionate emotional responses. Physical triggers are devices that allow us to use a few ounces of force to unleash a tremendous outcome.  In that same way, “emotional triggers” in our environment surprise our spouse because they didn’t understand the underlying emotions that make their appearance as silence or withdrawl. 

When people are triggered, they can get into a fight, flight, or freeze mode.  This is a human coping mechanism to cope with danger. Imagine Prehistoric Patty, a prehistoric woman wandering around the woods.  All of a sudden, the bushes shake, and out pops 300 lb snake! The threat makes Patty either freeze until the snake slithers away, outrun the snake, or try to kill the snake.  Patty lives another day! Now, when a bush shakes again, it triggers her into fight, flight or freeze mode and she can respond even quicker this time because she doesn’t have to wait for the snake to emerge.  

What It May Look LIke For Your Partner

This is great for Prehistoric Patty.  Not great for Modern Patty, who can’t simply respond with running away, or staying as still as a statue.  This is especially true when the threat isn’t the snake, but a relational injury. Triggers engage your limbic system to take fast, but unsophisticated action.  In the case of your partner, they’re withdrawing from you in service of modulating the distress in the relationship. They may be saying some of the following in their heads:

• If I don’t say a word, maybe I can’t mess things up more.

• I should really really slowly pick my words, because I don’t want to mess up. 

• If I walk away, at least I won’t say something that will hurt my partner.

• If I can just explain how what they said was incorrect, maybe they can see how I wasn’t trying to hurt them.

• Maybe if I apologize really quickly, it’ll setting things and we won’t get into a big fight.

Fleeing: Flight as a distress response.

Let’s look at Prehistoric Patty and watch her as she runs away successfully from the snake.  That fleeing solves the immediate problem - the distress that may be occurring in the relationship.  However, it causes them to get farther from you, which feels really hurtful and maybe feels intentional.  But remember, your partner has a go-to response to you that leads to them getting quiet in service of relieving the distress they see in the relationship. 

I know what you’re saying: “But Mike, they’re not trying to relieve my distress, or our distress, they’re trying to relieve their distress.”  

What I have to say about that is “yes, and maybe more.”  Remember your partner or spouse probably has good radar for your emotions.  And seeing something on your face that tells them that you’re distressed probably quickly gives them distress too.

Overwhelm - another way to think of quietness

Remember our example earlier of Prehistoric Patty getting really still so that the danger misses her?  If your spouse is getting really quiet and unresponsive or they’re making arguments that don’t make sense, there may be a way that your spouse is getting overwhelmed.  

All of these are probably in service of reducing the distress that occurs when you both get in a fight.  This is their “go-to” in a difficult conversation. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to apologize or to reduce distress in a relationship.  The problem comes because you have a different style.  Your style probably is geared towards resolving problems now, before they fester.  Resolving the problems so that they don’t have to weigh on both your heads.

Combining your two styles

When you start getting a tone, or make it clear you’re hurt, how does your partner react?  They may be getting triggered by you getting triggered.  A lot of people who withdraw can seem really disconnected either because they are looking inward and examining things or because they may be overwhelmed.  Unfortunately, this means that when you’re feeling your worst, it’s triggering your spouse and getting them in a flight or freeze mode. And when you see your spouse silent or withdrawing, what goes on inside you?  I can’t imagine it’s great.  

This was a small insight into what may be going on with your spouse who withdraws, gets quiet, tries to “logic away” the complaint or goes away physically.  What do you do in this circumstance? I have a guide on Going Slow To Go Fast and Helpful Skills: Square Breathing. These will offer useful ways you can slow down the conversation so that both of you can have a heartfelt conversation without the silence or anger that might be drawing more attention that what you have to say.

If you’re interested in my thoughts on marriage counseling, stop by my marriage counseling page.  If you’re in the Minnesota Twin Cities area, I can help you get better access to your spouse. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me by using my web form, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call

Take good care.