Your window of opportunity in your relationship is the length of time between when you hear something hurtful and when you react to it. It’s the time after your partner says something and you react. This window is also a metaphor for the possibility you will create a new future relationship together.

As couples work in sessions with me, that window grows. You will be able to entertain for a longer time the that they intended something different when something feels hurtful. You will be able to stay in that gray zone longer before reacting to it and either yelling at them, shutting down or going away. As that window of time grows bigger, so too does your window of possibility. Why? because you get to do something in that window of opportunity that isn’t yelling, shutting down, or going away.

You get to say something like,”Hey, that was really hurtful. Why are you saying that?” or “I feel like I’m being talked down to? What’s going on with you?”

What happens to make this possible? Several things:

1. You’ll slow things down in your conversations. Fast conversations are often indicative of people getting triggered. When people get triggered, small things can create big feelings inside that can get you to yell, shut down, or go away. This can lead to big feelings in your spouse or partner, causing a runaway cycle. When you slow things down, you start thinking more logically, and can become more goal oriented. When you are fast, you're in automatic survival mode. Here is a good primer on slowing it down.

2. You’ll see positive intent that will reward your window of opportunity. As we work in sessions and I help slow down conversations between you two, often times I’ll hear: “We’ve talked about this before, but I’ve never heard that.” The reason? When you’re going slow, you can actually understand what the person is saying.

3. As you slow things down, you get a chance to say something with emotion other than anger. And that allows you to be seen and heard by your partner. This is an inherently calming event. Read this article if your spouse or partner avoids or shuts down in conversations. Read this if your partner “pecks” at you to resolve your conversations and makes you instead feel overwhelmed. Both of these articles will help you understand what it’s like to be on the other side.

4. When you’re able to slow the conversation down, you’ll be rewarded for your actions. Your partner will be more likely to hear you and you will get the feeling of being heard. This will increase the chance you can slow things down the next time.

5. When you can string together this slow-down over multiple instances, your spouse will notice and this will allow them to start calming down too.

6. Once both of you notice and it starts slowing down for both of you, you have a positive spiral.

You may have a lot of questions from here. If you read the stuff above and went to those links and still need assistance, consider an Emotionally Focused Therapy- trained therapist. My training in EFT has helped my clients immensely. We pay attention to the important stuff that hijacks your relationship and intervene when things get too confusing or conflictual.

For more general information on couples/marriage counseling, please see my marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and you are needing help, you can contact me by phone at: 612.230.7171, or by emailing me through my contact page.

Take good care.