The world has always been a place of conflict. However, in 2020, you might say conflict went viral. Division is widespread and shows no sign of slowing down. Conflict and division may have shown up in your relationship. Now, more than ever, you may find yourself in the uncomfortable position of asking for forgiveness.

But don’t underestimate how nuanced that process can be. You may envision a simple dialogue like:

“I’m sorry.”

“No worries, it’s all good.”

In reality, forgiveness involves many more facets — as you’re about to see.

Contrary to popular opinion, the first step in asking forgiveness just may be forgiving yourself.

What Does It Mean to Forgive Yourself?

The simplest way to view this act is to recall a time when you forgave someone else. You felt anger and, perhaps for a time, thought you’d never get past it. Eventually, empathy and understanding ruled the day, and you moved on.

Well, you deserve that same level of compassion towards yourself. Holding yourself responsible for your actions is courageous work, but that’s not the same as holding a long-term grudge again yourself.

Remember, you’re forgiving yourself for your actions, not forgiving yourself for being a bad person. What if you’re feeling like you’re a “bad person?” That’s a question that may have very deep roots in your past. But know this: many, many people who are essentially good people can do bad things occasionally. One act that feels shame-inducing doesn’t have to define you.

It’s also essential to remind yourself that you can’t control whether the other person forgives you. You can apologize and ask to be forgiven (see below). But the response is up to someone else.

Choosing to forgive yourself is something over which you have agency. It’s not a license to excuse bad decisions, but it’s a chance to learn from them and free yourself from shame.

Giving an Authentic Apology

Once you’ve forgiven yourself, step two is a sincere apology. I’m not talking about the classic celebrity version, e.g. “If I offended anyone, I’m sorry.” A left apology involves some basic but non-negotiable components:

1. Take responsibility

2. Articulate precisely what you are apologizing for

3. Hold yourself accountable

4. Show remorse

5. Promise it won’t happen again (and back this up in word and deed)

6. Ask for forgiveness

Number 6 may come as a surprise, but think about it: You may be truly sorry. You’ve forgiven yourself, genuinely apologized, and feel ready to move on. All of that is excellent. None of it means forgiveness is a sure thing. That is up to the person who has been wronged.

Moving Forward

Forgiveness is a state of mind. To forgive someone (or yourself) does not mean you condone their actions. It requires you to feel what you need to feel first. Forgiveness also arises from a place of humility. Everyone messes up, and that goes triple in 2020.

When someone comes to you for forgiveness, it helps to remember that you have many more times ahead of you when you’ll be the one facing the music. Once a sincere apology has been offered and accepted, it serves both parties well to release the blame and the grudge.

The First Step in Asking for Forgiveness is Forgiving Yourself

As you can see, this is a nuanced process. Bringing things back to where we started, everything will flow more smoothly if this proves starts with self-forgiveness.

Making peace with your transgression is a powerful first step. It will guide you through all the rest of the steps toward conflict resolution. If this sounds like a lot of work, that’s because it is. And that’s because it’s worth it. And speaking of hard work that’s worth it…

For a variety of reasons — some of them connected to your distant past — forgiving yourself may feel like a foreign concept. This is where a good couples therapist can help. If there’s a rock in your way, it helps to process it and have your spouse see it. If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form.

Take Good Care.