One of the most surprising and revelatory benefits of therapy is getting busted on your patterns. This may not sound awesome but it can be the catalyst for some serious change. Everyone wants to be happier but they may not accept (or even see) how they sabotage that goal.

Take fighting your partner, for example. Everyone has a tendency to do the same thing when they get into a difficult conversation. As a result, most couples who come into my practice have a pattern of fighting.

But there’s a catch. Almost all of them are unaware of these patterns. And sometimes, they choose to ignore them.

Fighting in Circles

Let’s face it, fighting with your partner sucks. At the moment, you may experience some temporary catharsis by releasing some emotions but it still sucks. At times, a couple may feel like they are fighting in circles. No matter what the immediate disagreement is about, the argument swiftly devolves into the same familiar script.

Quite often, this trend is exposing the existence of underlying and under-examined issues. Thus, any type of conflict can trigger the same response. From there, the other partner reads their line — and so on and on as the script plays out. This happens for various reasons. Some of the more common causes are:

• Your attachment style

• What was modeled for you as a child

• Your ego is ruling the day

• You and your partner have some profound differences

How to Stop “Familiar” Fights

Sometimes, marital spats are necessary. They can be healthy, after all. But you don’t need me to tell you that many times, “healthy” would not be an accurate description of what’s going on. Fear not, familiar fighters, you can most definitely expose and address this pattern.

Throw Away the Script

Its time for some improv. When an argument begins, stay aware for when it shifts into familiar ground. Gently encourage your partner — and yourself — not to lose the plot. Instead, address the issue at hand.

Talk About Triggers

Avoid “you” statements as you both openly and honestly reveal the words, situations, and behaviors that trigger you. You statements are easy to take as criticism instead of revealing the more vulnerable feelings like hurt, pain, fear, or sadness. Saying,”I’m so hurt that you didn’t remember our anniversary” is far more useful than,”You jerk! You didn’t even remember our anniversary!”

Get Underneath The Frustration, Irritation, or Anger

Irritation, frustration, anger, and rage are all on what I call the “Anger Spectrum.” They all can serve to distance other people from us when we feel uncomfortable, vulnerable feelings. The hard thing is, when the other person is defensive or distant, we use anger to get them to listen to us. The problem is, it also sucks up all the attention in the room. So instead of our loved one listening to what we mean, they only hear the anger. That can make us doubly frustrated!

Talk instead from those more vulnerable emotions. (see above Talk About Triggers)

Stop Trying to “Win”

I put win in quotes because I mean it in a competitive sense. In reality, you can both win once you decide that the goals are harmony and reconciliation. It’s incredible to experience what happens when you aim for collective goals.

Learn How to Apologize and to Forgive

Being in a relationship means you’ll have ample opportunities to be on the giving or receiving end of an apology. Honor these moments for they serve as the glue for your bond.

When you’re in the wrong, take responsibility, show remorse, hold yourself accountable, and promise to do better next time. Ask for forgiveness rather than just expecting it.

On the other hand, you have the right to expect an authentic apology. In return, when you offer forgiveness, relinquish any further need to blame.

Recognizing Your Patterns

I hope you find the above information useful. Perhaps you had an “a-ha” moment or two while reading this post. Then again, you may not be ready to surrender your patterns. If so, you’re not alone, and I encourage you to give me a call.

It can be daunting to shine a light on yourself — even when you think it may help your relationship. Committing with your partner to couples counseling can make this process run more smoothly. To end the familiar fights, you must expose and address the hidden patterns. A therapist can help make that happen. I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT-C) because it pays a lot of attention to the underlying emotions that get you in these patterns in the first place. I talk about this and other things in my marriage counseling page, so check that out if you’re looking for more ways to reboot your relationship.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.