There is a way that your partner keeps hammering on you when it feels like your life is blessed.  Covid-19 hasn’t blown your jobs away.  Everyone is healthy.  You haven’t had to bury anyone.  So why is your wife so dead-set on hammering her unhappiness like some kind of weapon?

Are You Asking Because You Want To Understand?

If understanding is what you want, then read on.  This article will help you to understand what it might be like for them.  

If your partner is arguing with you like they’re wielding a weapon, it’s likely because you’re holding a big shield.  85% of heterosexual couples (I work with same-sex couples too, but the data isn’t clear for same-sex couples) have a pattern where one person pursues the resolution of difficult conversations and the other person avoids that same conversation. The one who pursues is seeking to resolve the root cause of the conflict. The one who avoids the conversation understands that a break helps reduce distress in the relationship.  Both people can be seeking to reduce distress in the relationship.

The problem is that each of the strategies increases the chance that the other person will ramp up their own strategy. When you are defensive, your spouse will take out a bigger sword to hammer on your shield. Why are they being a jerk?

They’re Doing It For Love.

It's not that your partner is trying to be a jerk. When people get in fights with the person that’s supposed to have their back, that causes a lot of hurt.  After all, life is lonely even with 8 billion people on the planet. Most of those people don't care about you. This is the one person that is supposed to. And yet it may seem like you don’t care because you’re disconnected from them.  You’re not seeing the pain they’re experiencing.  They’re fighting for the connection that they want you to value too.  But when you say,”Just be happy.” It can feel like you don’t want to hear them at all.

They’re Using a Big Stick To Get The Love Back.

The irony is that metaphorically, it's like they're hitting you over the head with a stick in order to get you to love them again. I don't know about you but my first impulse when somebody whacked me with something isn't to give them a big hug and comfort. So that's the challenge before you. How do you start resolving some of these arguments while your spouse or partner is on the attack?

Some First Steps.

Very likely both of you haven't had a good conversation about the pattern of fighting you guys are encountering.  Most of the couples that come in to see me think they're still arguing about squeezing out the sponge, or putting away the dishes, or the in-laws. In fact what they are doing is having an argument about something much more fundamental to who they are.  

When you and your spouse or partner can reduce your fighting and get more vulnerable, you’ll be able to understand what’s getting them heated and they’ll be able to see why you’re “avoiding.”

  They’ll be able to see more about why you can’t stay in the pocket.  But how do you get to this understanding when you’re constantly in this dance of them attacking and you avoiding?  

Each of Your Steps Look Different

Each of you does your own move in your dance.  Here, we’re assuming that your partner pursues resolution and you avoid.  So here are some ideas taken from actual steps I help couples practice.

If You Tend To Avoid

What are you avoiding?  Is it uncomfortable?  Do you have discomfort around confrontation in general?  Does your partner or spouse look upset?  Do they start attacking you with unfair character assassination?  Here is one way I help couples navigate this difficult dynamic.

Come up to them ahead of time and talk about the difficult pattern you get into.  Talk to them about how you want to understand what they say in the moment, but have difficulty because you’re feeling overwhelmed.  Agree on a “safe word” that both of you can use to pause the conversation about the pattern you’re on.  Some clients have talked about “race tracks” or “loops” or “spinning” or asking for a “smoke break.”  

When both of you get into an argument where you’re both spinning your wheels, use your safe word.  Define a time when you think you can resume the conversation without being overwhelmed.  Do you need to take a walk for an hour and blow off some steam? Do you need to check in after 1 hr?  Say that.  

Then come back when you’ve agreed to it, and check in.  This doesn’t mean that you will resolve your argument at this time.  It means you’ll check in.    If you are still feeling unable to have a difficult conversation, talk to your spouse about  reconvening a little later than that.  

Here’s what it can look like:

“Lannie, I hear you’re really angry, I get that.  Right now, I’m totally overwhelmed and can’t process what you’re trying to tell me.  It’s too difficult.  I think we’re doing that wheel spinning thing thing that we do.  Can we talk again in 2 hrs so I can really hear what you’re saying?”

If you’re having problems slowing down your conversations and need someone to help you both understand each other without getting into an attack/avoid pattern, visit my marriage counseling blog.  If you’re in Minnesota and want to meet with me via video, contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free 15-minute phone conversation to find out more.  

Take good care.