As the holidays near, pressure on relationships can increase.  When you and your spouse or partner are fighting, it can be difficult to reach a place that even feels neutral.  John Gottman famously coined the phrase “negative sentiment override” for couples experiencing so much conflict that things that are normally feel good start feeling a little bad.  This series is to help you maximize what you can do to help the relationship. This is NOT a substitute for talking to your spouse about difficult things - it is a skill that will amplify the positive outcome of those difficult conversations.  

Positive Gestures.

This one seems simple, right?  You learned “please” and “thank you” long before kindergarten.  So why does this show up as a skill? Because when you’re fighting, anything positive may be an uphill battle.  Giving appreciations may seem dangerous. Why give your enemy anything that helps them? The quick answer: because appreciations help you as well as your spouse.

Two Big Reasons Why You Should

1. It is part of how we tell the other person they’re important.  Most of us don’t look at our spouse and say,”You are so important to me” every day.  Most of how we communicate that our spouse is important is through multiple small gestures like appreciations.

2. It can help us repair.  John Gottman famously found in his marriage research that it takes 5 repair attempts to 1 injury to see a difference.  One of the things that makes couples stuck is that one or both of you may not be able to “get past” hurts. If a few genuine, positive appreciations helps your spouse get past an injury you caused, would you make the effort?  Would you take the risk? 

Some Ideas

Some folks who are trying to appreciate each other regularly for the first time can be stymied when they start.  Here are some ideas that may kick-start the process.

1. Something that isn’t often thought of as appreciation is a simple hand on the back or shoulder that connects- it says “I’m here with you.”

2. A kind look.  Would it be a smile?  Would it be a sympathetic look?  What would your partner interpret as 

3. A ‘hello’ when you enter the room or house.

4. A ‘hello’ when they enter the room or house.

5. A gesture of care- do you need something to drink?  Can I get you a snack?

What’s In The Way?

It’s very common when you are fighting with your spouse, that it can feel really, really hard to give a positive gesture.  This is harder to overcome than generating a list of positive gestures because you know how to be nice.  It’s just hard to be nice to someone who was mean to you a moment ago.  

What gets in the way can be different for different people.  The important thing to do is slow things down. Often times, when arguments become more and more heated, it’s because people are triggered.  Triggering happens quickly, and the antidote is slowing things down and giving each other enough time to calm down.  

If you are feeling righteous indignation, but can’t slow things down, a couples therapist can help.  As a couples counselor, I prefer using EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). This approach pays addresses the runaway emotional processes that trigger couples and keep them stuck.  See more about this on my marriage counseling page. If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall. You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a 15 minute phone conversation.  

Be well.