The phrase “Happy Wife, Happy Life” Has been jokingly bandied about in my household for a few years now.  It’s a joke in my household because it was one of the worst pieces of marital advice I had been given by my well-meaning cadre of friends. 

Why is this bad advice?  Aren’t happy wives positive contributors to the happiness of households?  Sure they are. But the saying is the “individualist’s” fantasy of relationship.  What’s an Individualist? The majority of the couples that first show up in my office with relationship hurts are individualists.  They see relationship through the lens of the individual. Their model points to them or me as the problem or solution.  The problem is my husband is too harsh or I need to get over it.  The solution is my wife needs to be more caring or I need to just stuff my feelings.

How Does It Hurt The Relationship?

What’s missing is the relationship, or the space in between two people.  “happy wife, happy life” feels sad to me because it takes a very fundamental human need for connection and throws it out the door in service of eliminating the risk of rejection from our partner.  Perhaps this is just another cliché that people share at parties. But I think there’s a chance that the saying was created a long time ago to justify a way of doing marriage that keeps everyone separate in service of “keeping the peace.”  The unfortunate result is two people in a marriage, but doing it alone.

What Happens When” Happy Wife” Is The Only Thing For Too Long

When people have been feeling alone in their relationship for too long, they forget the relationship.  They start thinking about the other person or themselves instead of pulling their partner in and saying,”You know, I don’t know how to solve this, but this is what’s bothering me and I’d love your help to solve it.” 

Rejection in the form of fighting, disconnection or an outright “no” can hurt so much that we stop asking for our partner’s participation.  Why take the risk of a hurtful “no” when we can muddle through by ourselves. Why provoke an argument when you can clean the bathrooms by yourself. 

While these solutions provide a way of bypassing conflict or relationship discomfort, they can create a pain of loneliness.  That’s because the person that is most important to us is no longer truly with us. This might be even more painful because it’s a fundamental human need to be connected.  If you don’t believe me, watch the video on the left. 

What Can Be In The Way Of Relating?

So just pull your partner or spouse into your conversation and collaborate!   Easier said than done, right? You probably have some long standing patterns that keep you from working as a team.  Maybe there’s been some rejection in the past. Maybe you feel like your partner is being dismissive (“Do we have to talk about this again?”) or maybe you get blasted back (“You have nothing positive to say!  You want to be negative, so that’s what we have! Negativity!”). 

One of the milestones I help couples reach is the ability to ask for what you need without triggering one or both of you.  If you’re finding yourself getting stuck in an argument or not talking for long stretches because there’s hurt, reach out to a therapist to help you get unstuck.  Having a trained third party to help you guys focus on what’s really important will help you focus your conversations and reduce the triggering and blowback in your discussions.  Additionally, having a third party can pull you guys in once a week to talk where you previously weren’t talking. Screaming at each other and the silent treatment are both painful, stuck places.

I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy to help address underlying emotional dynamics.  If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall.  You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a 15 minute phone conversation. I look forward to talking with you.